Let’s get honest—comparison breeds bitterness, and the church isn’t immune. Kait Tomlin lays out how those “why her and not me?” moments fuel frustration, even for those faithfully serving. Bianca Olthoff uses Naomi from Ruth as a model—someone who didn’t fake it, but allowed her community to see her bitterness, naming it instead of suppressing it (13:47).

She shares:

“Catching bitterness in its embryonic form will spare you turmoil, bitterness, jealousy…It’s NORMAL to feel comparison—but don’t let it define you, or shift your perspective to thinking others had the ‘fair shake’ and you missed out.” (16:33)

That goes for both singles feeling left out and those overlooked in church dating pools. Comparison is real, but naming it is the first step in moving beyond it.

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Blame Disney, Hallmark, or ancient philosophy—our culture has elevated marriage, the soulmate myth, and “the perfect love story” to unreachable heights. Bianca Olthoff calls this out, noting how it limits real opportunities and potential relationships. She challenges singles to hold their expectations “with open hands,” not clenched fists, remaining open to God’s best (not just our preference for the 6’0” + $100K club—statistically, hilariously rare!) (24:48).

What if redemption doesn’t look like the fairy tale ending? What if you’re waiting for a spouse and God is writing a bigger story—one that refines you, gives you purpose, and draws you closer to Christ?

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Statistically, church culture presents a scarcity of single, godly men. Bianca Olthoff validates these feelings, but suggests a mindset shift:

• Instead of entering spaces with “pick-me” energy or desperation, what can you CONTRIBUTE to your community?
• How might focusing on your own growth and generosity change the atmosphere?

She encourages praying God-fearing men into your churches, being generous with invitations, and compassionately understanding how hard it is for men to enter singles spaces without feeling objectified (40:55). Can we set the table for conversation and transformation, instead of expectation and scarcity?

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JJ Tomlin asks—“Are we attracted to godliness enough?” This is an honest challenge. If we’re becoming more like Jesus, shouldn’t we be drawn to those qualities in others, not just outward markers?

Bianca Olthoff shares her commitment to championing healthy marriages and relationships, even after profound loss. Restoration is possible—even if marriage isn’t your story (47:24). You can live a beautiful, full life as a single person, and still be a hope-filled supporter of love in community.

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Wherever you are—waiting, grieving, feeling overlooked or bitter—hold space for your hurt, AND your hope. God isn’t done writing your story. Redemption may look different; abundant life is possible, even if your expectations are unmet.

Let’s keep championing love, hope, and community—minus the scarcity and comparison. The best stories often surprise us.

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