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MM: Why Do I Settle? Understanding Low Standards and Self-Worth

with

Kait and JJ Tomlin

Today we're diving into a mansode with Kait as a guest, discussing low dating standards, personal experiences, and tips on identifying and avoiding unhealthy relationships!

Introduction

Hey HOD fam, we’re here with a heavy but necessary episode! In this episode we’re talking about dating standards, we're diving deep into the pitfalls of setting low standards. Kait and JJ unpack the complexities surrounding why we sometimes settle for less and how we can raise our standards to align with our true worth. Buckle up, because this one’s going to get real. Let's dive in!

Recognizing Low Standards

This question posed by JJ captures a critical issue many of us face—reluctance to admit when we're settling in our relationships. Often born from a desire for validation and love, these low standards cause us to overlook red flags and justify bad behavior. Kait shared from her own life, opening up about past relationships where she endured disrespect and mistreatment. This vulnerability is essential in recognizing that sometimes what holds us in these unhealthy dynamics is not a lack of awareness but rather a suffocating familiarity with chaos and a misguided savior complex.

The Role of Honest Friendships

“It’s hard for men, in particular, to open up about harmful relationships,” JJ admitted, reflecting on the dangerous isolation that can prevent us from confiding in our friends. Kait emphasized the importance of deeper honesty in friendships, urging listeners to allow their friends permission to be truthful. In a world where superficiality often reigns, genuine connections and honest conversations can be lifesaving. These high-quality relationships serve as a mirror, reflecting the true nature of our romantic relationships and helping us recognize when we're not being treated with the respect we deserve.

Healthy Models and Childhood Influence

Kait pointed out that many of us lack healthy models of behavior from our upbringing. This absence often leads us to replicate destructive patterns from our past. Whether it's staying in toxic relationships out of familiarity or subconsciously seeking to resolve childhood traumas, recognizing these deep-seated influences is crucial. JJ’s insights on codependency shed light on how support can sometimes transform into a harmful attempt to save a partner, motivated by a savior complex rather than genuine compassion.

Setting The Right Standards: A Christian Perspective

A delicate balance must be struck in viewing ourselves with inherent worth because of Christ's sacrifice while avoiding a sense of entitlement. Kait reflected on her discomfort with the word "deserve," emphasizing that everyone should be treated well and no one deserves abuse or mistreatment. From a Christian perspective, our worthiness is not contingent upon our actions or achievements but grounded in the sacrifice of Christ. This understanding helps differentiate between high and right standards, leading us to seek partners who exemplify godliness and the fruits of the spirit.

The Danger of Superficial Compatibility

“Some people might not have low standards but wrong standards,” Kait highlighted, noting that physical attraction and shared superficial interests often overshadow deeper compatibility. JJ’s humorous but thought-provoking interactions further drove home the point that infatuation can cause us to ignore significant issues like addiction, making excuses for behaviors that should be deal-breakers.

Practical Considerations: Character Over Charisma

When evaluating potential partners, it's vital to prioritize character traits such as kindness, empathy, compassion, and patience over superficial attributes like humor or income. Kait’s personal anecdotes illustrated how outward appearances can be deceiving, and JJ's reflections reinforced the importance of gauging faith through the consistent evidence of the fruits of the spirit.

The Journey Towards Better Standards

Raising our standards involves a comprehensive understanding of our worth and the qualities that truly matter in a partner. It’s about moving beyond the need for validation towards a grounded, genuine appreciation of ourselves. This shift requires a network of honest, vulnerable friendships that encourage introspection and growth.

Final Thoughts

The episode concluded with a powerful reminder from Kait and JJ: "Realize that standards need to be right, not just high or low.” The collective fruit of the spirit—an indication of true growth and character—should be our ultimate guide in setting these standards. Knowing someone over time, observing their consistency and depth, allows us to make informed, heartfelt decisions about who we let into our lives.

Together, let’s strive to elevate our dating standards and forge relationships that reflect our true worth and the principles we hold dear.

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Kait Tomlin

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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.


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