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Today we’re diving deep into the pain and peace cycle with Terry and Sharon as they unpack why our coping reactions matter in dating, how to take ownership of your triggers, and how true intimacy starts with regulating yourself—not finding someone to fix you!
Introduction
Understanding the Pain Cycle: Why We React the Way We Do
Why Taking Ownership is the Secret Sauce
From Pain to Peace: Stepping Into a New Cycle
Why This Changes Everything (Seriously)
Hiii HOD fam! Today we are back with an absolute GEM of an episode—one that, honestly, could change the way you approach every single relationship in your life. This week we brought on Terry and Sharon Hargrave, veteran relationship mentors, to unpack the powerful (and sometimes mysterious) “pain and peace cycle.” If you’ve ever found yourself reacting in ways you don’t love during conflict, or trying to find someone who just “gets you,” today’s convo will hit home in a big way. Trust me, you’ll want to share this one with your (single OR coupled) friends. Let’s goooo!!!
Okay, so let’s get real. Everyone—even you, even your holiest-crush, even your therapist—brings a pain cycle into romantic relationships. As Terry and Sharon explain, the pain cycle is a super-predictable, almost “software-program” set of reactions that gets triggered whenever we feel unsafe or unloved. Think: you get ghosted, left on read, or have an awkward date convo…suddenly your brain is running old scripts like “I’m not enough,” “people always leave,” or “no one can be trusted.”
What do we do with this pain? We all have our “go-to” reactions:
And get this: none of these are worse (or better!) than the others. Even those quiet, “chill” escapers (who might seem low maintenance at first) can wreak just as much havoc on trust and intimacy as the ragers and blamers! If you’re not aware of your cycle, it’s SO easy to miss red flags—or even to mislabel them.
Here’s the thing: relationships can’t heal us if we won’t face our stuff. Terry and Sharon made it clear: you’re not looking for a “perfect” partner with zero baggage (newsflash—they don’t exist), but for someone who actively takes responsibility for their reactions and pain, and wants to grow.
Way too many of us (hey, been there, done that) are searching for a partner who will meet every need, so we don’t have to face our “harder” emotions. But as Terry put it, “that’s a gimmick.” Real change and intimacy only come when we are honest about our coping strategies, learn to name our pain, and take responsibility for the way we show up. Being in a relationship is not about finding someone to “fix” your fear, make you feel safe 24/7, or fill every need. Instead, it’s about two adults learning to regulate themselves, and then inviting each other in. That’s the foundation for true, lasting connection.
So what’s the alternative? Enter the “peace cycle.” Sharon puts it beautifully: you can’t change what you won’t name. This starts with identifying:
Terry and Sharon even recommend literally saying this out loud with your partner in moments of conflict. Not just for their sake, but actually to help GET your brain out of “downstairs/lizard brain” mode and back into rational, loving, upstairs-brain regulation. It’s wild how empowering, connecting, and healing it is to break the old cycle in real time.
If dating’s been a rollercoaster, or you feel like you’re endlessly waiting for someone who’ll never trigger your pain… consider this your permission slip to stop. You have the power to shift old cycles, to self-regulate, and to move into true, grown-up intimacy. (And heads up: this is just as vital for marriages as it is for dating! Terry and Sharon shared that even after decades of marriage, leaning into the pain/peace cycle still transforms their relationship.)
So next time you find yourself spiraling—left on read, misunderstood, or triggered—pause, name the pain, speak the truth, and choose a new action. Watch how everything can change… starting with you.
You got this, HOD fam!
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Terry Hargrave, Ph.D. is nationally recognized for his pioneering work with intergenerational families and is the founder of Restoration Therapy.
Dr. Hargrave has authored over 35 professional articles and sixteen books including The Mindful Marriage: Create Your Best Relationship Through Understanding and Managing Yourself (co-authored with Ron and Nan Deal and Sharon Hargrave), Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy (co-authored with Franz Pfitzer) and Advances and Techniques in Restoration Therapy (co-authored with Nicole Zasowski and Miyoung Yoon Hammer).
Dr. Hargrave has presented nationally and internationally on the concepts and processes of family and marriage restoration, intergenerational families, reconciliation and aging. His work has been featured on ABC News 20/20, Good Morning America and CBS This Morning as well as several national magazines and newspapers. He has been selected as a national conference plenary speaker and as a Master’s Series Therapist by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Hargrave was selected as the 2022 C. Davis Weyerhaeuser Faculty Award recipient for outstanding faculty member at Fuller Theological Seminary.
Dr. Hargrave was the Evelyn and Frank Freed Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, California before retirement in 2024 and is president and in practice at Amarillo Family Institute, Inc.
Sharon Hargrave, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arizona, California and
Texas. As the founder of RelateStrong, Sharon served as the Executive Director of the Boone
Center for the Family at Pepperdine University. She has also served as an affiliate faculty member
in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at Fuller Theological Seminary. Sharon and her
husband Terry, speak nationally and internationally on issues pertaining to anxiety, marriage,
intergenerational relationships, parenting, couples in ministry and the Restoration Therapy model.
She has co-authored The Mindful Marriage with her husband,Terry, and Ron and Nan Deal.
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