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Men’s Minisodes 30: She’s Too Needy or Emotional


JJ Tomlin

JJ tackles the topic of a female being too needy or emotional in a dating relationship and the red flags you can spot. 


Heyyy fellas welcome back to another mini mansode in our season on red flags! Red flags and deal breakers are different. Red flags are where you need to take a pause and gather more information. We’re talking about if she’s too needy or emotional…this is an episode for our men, but it can be applied the other way too. We’re pumped to jump into this week’s episode! 

This is one of the core conflicts we see in any traditional heterosexual relationship between man and woman. There have been entiere books written on this, and I think we are starting to see this is not just emotional women vs. emotioanl suppressed men. Sometimes we see it the other way too. 

Today JJ has a great story for you all that is really going to speak to some situations where there is trauma and severe emotional reactions. 

A little discalimer first though, the reality is that JJ cannot give you an exhaustive answer on weather or not she is too emotional. He can give warnings and advice but at the end of the day, you have to decide is this person worth the time, energy, love, patience, and kindness as a romantic investment. This is really important, because everybody is inherently created in God’s image is worth something simply because they exist. They are important because they are a human. PERIOD. I don’t care who they are, what they have done, who they aren’t, they hold VALUE. Jesus alludes to this when he talks about if you have hated in your heart it is the same as committing murder. What he really means here is that if you have regarded somebody as unimportant, you have planted the same seed as one who murders. You have deemed one in God’s image as unimportant. 

Let’s dive in!

This is a unique, romantic sitaution as in this is someone you are evaluating in a martial lens as a potential marriage partner. 

I’ll be honest with you guys though, we see a lot of DUDES who want the girl who is super chill, fun, low maintenance, emotionally easy, always kind, loves football, let’s him do whatever he wants, she always communicates perfectly. Let me just tell you something…that is your DISNEY FAIRYTALE PRINCESS who does NOT exist. The sooner you realize that, the BETTER! Because then you can come to terms with reality and begin to prepare to love your female spouse with EMPATHY! 

Is there such thing as too emotional? Too need in DATING?

If we had to give prescriptive advice, yes. Totally! There are fundamental situations that they are better off seeking therapy and healinga s a SINGLE then they are trying to DATE and HEAL. Singleness is for major healing, growing your relationship with Jesus, dating is for dating with minor healing. You will always be growing and healing but major healing should happen in singleness. See the difference? Major healing can also happen in dating but it will be extremely, extremely, difficult and challenging. 

Signs that are definitely a red flag, and potentially dealbreakers…

Demonstrative Rage: This is one side of the spectrum of regulating emotions. It is extreme sensitivity, expression and outlash of emotion. This is one of the more vivid red flags and can frequently be tied to abuse wheather it be physical, emotional, or spirtual. This is absoltuely a red flag and as soon as you start entereing the stage of things being thrown, punched, vengeance, punishment, and rage, this is absoltuely a masssive red flag. The first step here is to tell soemobdy wiser, older, and more experienced than you. Not just a friend, but somebody who can really give you solid advice that has much more experience than you do. 

Total Dependence: Total dependence on you to be their safe space, rock, processing partner, pastor, counselor and therapist. This is a God-sized  expectation that should NOT be on you. This is strange to say, because a lot of these traits are glorified and shades of these can be awesome parts of a healthy marriage. On the front end, in the dating stage your partner has to demonstrate some sort of growth and ability to independently emotionally regulate their emotions. It is a total red flag if very quickly they are looking to you to be their knight in shining armor, on the other side, it is total GREEN flag to see them have circles of counsel, trusted friends, a therapist, a close best friend who also is emotionally healthy. This is a GREAT partner in the sense of they are not dumping their emotional responsibilities exclusively onto you.

Emotional Shutdown: This is someone who shuts down all of their emotions and is just as much a red flag as the others we discussed before. 

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JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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