Ever wonder why you fall for the same type of person, or why certain situations in dating make you spiral? Mike offers a major “aha moment:” your still-unanswered core question can make you subconsciously “scramble” to get that need met, often in ways that don’t serve you—hello, settling for love-bombers or over-functioning for approval!

For example, Kait shares how her “Am I loved?” question led her to ignore red flags in past dating because, at least at first, those relationships answered her need. JJ realized his “Am I wanted?” core longing would drive him to pursue affirmation from others when he didn’t get it in his relationship. When you can name what you’re really seeking, you can stop yourself from reaching for it in unhealthy ways.

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Here’s where it gets next-level. It feels so tempting to hand over our core need to a romantic partner—“You need to make me feel loved/safe/successful!” But as Mike points out, that’s not just unfair, it’s a setup for codependency and disappointment. The healthiest relationships are those where:

1. You identify and own your need.
2. You invite your partner in to participate in meeting that need—not demand it.
3. You take responsibility for how you meet that need for yourself.

Mike’s phrase, “An unspoken expectation is an unfair expectation,” is FIRE. If you need something, communicate it clearly and kindly. But also, don’t forget: God is the ultimate source of our “yes,” and we have more power to meet our core needs than we think. Adult-you can use adult strategies, instead of letting little-you run the show.

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So how does this play out practically? Two big takeaways for daters:

• Know Your Primal Question—and Theirs! Mike says he wouldn’t start a relationship without knowing both his own and his partner’s primal question. This helps you both understand not just triggers, but how to love each other well.
• Check for Compatibility and Willingness: If you consistently get a “no” or “maybe” to your core need, that's not the relationship you want. Look for partners willing to learn your heart and say “yes,” even if their core need is different.

And if you find yourself defaulting to childhood ways—trying to “perform” for love, people-pleasing for safety, or running after affirmation—pause! Self-awareness is your superpower.

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If you’re ready for healthier, deeper connections, take the Primal Question assessment (link in the show notes!) and start the convo with people you date. Lean into honest, expectation-free invitations, and don’t shy away from the hard work of self-advocacy. The relationship you want is built from the roots up…and it starts with you.

This episode was so rich, fam! Go listen, share with friends, and remember: dating well starts with knowing what truly drives you—and being brave enough to name it. Let’s grow together!

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