JJ Tomlin breaks down how chasing emotionally unavailable people can feel like playing a slot machine. There’s a hit of dopamine when someone hard-to-get gives you attention—but it’s addictive and unhealthy, leaving you stuck in a cycle that’s hard to break. And when someone is steady and consistent? Your nervous system might call it “boring” at first—Stefanie Rouse and Kait Tomlin share their own stories about how healthy love can feel unfamiliar but SO much sweeter in the long run.

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• Inconsistency in actions or communication
• Avoids serious conversations, shuts down in conflict 
• Wants emotional intimacy without accountability/commitment
• Gives mixed signals—sometimes really present, sometimes MIA
• Says “I’m not ready for a relationship” but still wants the emotional benefits 
• Always “busy” and doesn’t make time for you (and yes, being busy is usually an excuse—90% of the time, according to Caleb Rouse. 

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The panel shares how we often chase what’s familiar, not what’s healthy. Many people were raised with emotionally unavailable parents, so that drama feels “normal.” The adrenaline, the confusion, and the “potential” keep us hooked—but it’s exhausting, toxic, and keeps you from feeling truly chosen and safe. And sometimes we try to “fix” people to redeem our own story—a setup for heartbreak and codependency.

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YES—but it starts with healing your own heart. Caleb Rouse says you have to invite God into those shut-down places, do the deep work, and let Him renovate your emotional “house.” Only then are you ready for someone truly emotionally available—who chooses you, shows up, and is steady.

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If you’re used to chaos, consistency feels boring, but healthy relationships should feel SAFE and steady. Slow burn, steady investment, clear communication—these are the signs of someone emotionally ready. And the sweetness of that kind of relationship? It’s a pleasure worth chasing—greater than the thrill of the chase.

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Watch their actions over time—not just words. Give it time. If they constantly bring up an ex or haven’t processed past pain, there’s more healing needed. Don’t rush; trust is built with consistency.

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Emotional Awareness Is Not Emotional Availability

Just because someone has language (“I’ve been to therapy! I know my attachment style!”) doesn’t mean they’re emotionally available. The difference? Are they consistent, safe, and showing up for YOU? Don’t confuse emotional knowledge for emotional maturity.

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You are worthy of being chosen, pursued, and cherished! Don’t settle for emotional crumbs or try to “fix” someone. And if you recognize yourself as emotionally unavailable, let this be your nudge to heal and show up fully.

Looking for more? Take the Heart of Dating personality quiz at heartofdating.com/quiz, or reach out to Caleb and Stefanie for coaching and resources at stephanieandcaleb.com.
You’re not alone in this journey—the Heart of Dating fam has your back!

Let’s chase healthy, steady love together. See you next week!

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