next episode

Men's Minisodes 05: My Girl Has Trust Issues...What do I do?

with

JJ Tomlin

Join JJ as he discusses how to approach relationships with women who have trust issues and how to level up as men. 

About Trust

  • It is a non-negotiable. It is essential to any healthy human relationship. 
  • Trust issues do not mean you cannot have a healthy relationship. It just means it will be a bit more challenging. 

Here’s what you need to know.

  • Her trauma, triggers and parts have nothing to do with you. So don’t take it personally.
  • Her trauma, triggers and parts are not a negative thing about her. Doesn’t matter WHO you marry, you are going to be marrying an imperfect person who is bring their junk into the marriage. Where it becomes our junk! 
  • Her trauma, triggers and parts are your opportunity to love and contribute to the new story of Godly people in her life.. Godly men… who won’t run, who won’t cower, who won’t make it about them.. Godly men who truly know how to DIE to self, LISTEN, LOVE and elevate others needs above their own.
  • Side note - elevate does not mean neglect, it just means you are prioritizing others above yours in that moment.

So this should affect what?

  • Our mindset: Consider this your training ground. The worst attitude as men we could ever have… “that’s her problem to deal with.” I am not saying that we take on a codepent mentality and assume a savior complex, like there is a full clear responsibility that she has to seek out healing - that is literally one of the greatest gifts and responsibilties of singlenes. However… our mindset of not touching their issues with a 10ft pole and harping on their issues.. Guess what it does.. Elevates us, gives us the spiritual and moral high ground.. Breeding ground for pride and self-righteousness. Love the picture of Jesus with the woman who was caught red handed in her mess… what did he say to the leaders? Who among you has not sinned? My mindset when I see that mess in her life -> have I never sinned? Messed up? Do i not have any trauma or triggers from my past? Do i have a perfect relational mindset? 
  • Our heart posture: I think once we use our logic and reason to clear expel any superiority, this where we are called and led. If my feelings and heart posture to her is annoyed.. If i feel like she is too much.. If i feel disgusted or condescending towards her pain, trauma.. We have already lost.. Our nuclear submarine sirens should be blaring.. We have a heart issue. Our heart posture as Christian men should be deeply empathic, compassionate and seeking to understand. Jesus looked into the crowd and he was moved with compassion - what do you think he saw when he looked out? Pretty, cute, innocent children?? 

Ask her: “What do you NEED to build trust?”

  • Have her give you specifics and then see if you are able, open, and willing to work on those things
  • Great video by Brene brown called the ANATOMY of TRUST. <<<< check this out

Practically - here’s is what this looks like

  • Be a supporter, not a fixer 
  • Be trustworthy
  • Be PATIENT 
  • Be vulnerable - Some folks need more reassurance in order to establish trust for various reasons, most often being that their trust has been betrayed in the past.” One thing you can do for your partner is to show them that it can be OK to open up.
  • Be consistent (in love, in listening, in support - they are used to the OPPOSITE)
  • Make sure you are finding SUPPORT

Headshot of JJ Tomlin

JJ Tomlin

Website IconPodcast Mic IconInstagram IconFacebook IconLinkedIn IconTick Tok IconTwitter IconYoutube IconYoutube IconCustom Icon

JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.


Website IconPodcast Mic IconInstagram IconFacebook IconLinkedIn IconTick Tok IconTwitter IconYoutube IconCustom Icon

Website IconPodcast Mic IconInstagram IconFacebook IconLinkedIn IconTick Tok IconTwitter IconYoutube IconCustom Icon

Website IconPodcast Mic IconInstagram IconFacebook IconLinkedIn IconTick Tok IconTwitter IconYoutube IconCustom Icon
Share this episode
Headshot of Kait Warman

Never Miss an Episode

Let’s clear through the dating fog together.

Stay up to date with all our latest episodes featuring fresh, compelling topics and guests weekly!

Meet us on the Gram!

White close sign

Looking for something specific?