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Freeing Yourself From Self-Hatred

with

Sammi & Spencer Robbins

TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains conversation that some may find disturbing or trigging when it comes to Sammi's story about her battle with an eating disorder. If you struggle with an eating disorder visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline for resources or call the national hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

We're back with a brand new episode here on Heart of Dating and friends... today's episode is raw and vulnerable as we talk about real emotions when it comes to fighting feelings of self-hatred.

We brought out Sammi and Spencer Robbins on the show today to share their own experiences when it comes to fighting feelings of self-hatred and freeing themselves from it.

Sammi and Spencer run a life coaching business/ministry called Alive & Free helping predominantly christian women heal from self-hatred, shame, and past pain so they can attract a godly man and step into a thriving marriage.  They have worked with more than 2000 women and they are still on a process to experience unconditional love in every area of their lives and relationship.  


Spencer and Sammi met each other after attending the same ministry school and were married two years later.  They had both individually been on an extensive healing process for years.  Sammi started Alive & Free a few years ago walking women through 1-1 coaching and it quickly grew into a combination of services including group coaching, courses, and community.  Their team is more than 30 people now and they are impacting more people than they ever thought possible.


Although Sammi and Spencer are leaders in their space, they are more involved in their own process and healing than they ever have been.  They still hold onto the belief that they’re messy kids that are learning to let love in.

In “Thank You For Rejecting Me” I talk a lot about self-hatred. What are some ways self-hatred has plagued you in your life, and what are some of layers (big traumas, little traumas) that led you into those self-hating narratives?

  • Sammi talks about how her story of being a successful childhood model and some implications that had towards the view of self-hatred
  • She shares her testimony of constantly trying to fit the image others wanted her to fit in/
  • It’s a healing process you have to go layer by layer.
  • Spencer talks about his struggles with body image that stemmed from losing weight in high school.
  • You start to believe that love is conditional which puts you in a dangerous position where you feel like you’re stuck between rejection, abandonment, and aloneness.
  • Spencer talks about how he started rejecting the younger version of himself because all he could think of was how he was chubby.

You talk about numbing your pain as a coping mechanism. Could you tell us more about that? 

  • Sammi said she talked to herself in unhealthy ways and was so hard on herself to do things correctly.
  • Her vices became eating healthy, and working out excessively… and when she didn’t, self criticism was strong.
  • Feeling out of control is a huge trigger for self-hatred
  • Spencer talks about his struggles in school as a kid and also overcoming a porn addiction as he used that as a way to cope.

Could you talk about your healing journey?

  • When you start treating yourself differently, you can overflow that love.
  • You can’t change your history, but you can change the way you’re going to do things in the future.
  • In order to love others we have to learn to love ourselves.
  • Sometimes we reject ourselves because someone else has rejected us… and we do it to try to “protect” ourselves.

What is your final nugget of dating advice?

  • Lower the stakes in dating! If your only goal is to find your future spouse, then it’s a high stake situation… but that should be a secondary goal to you learning about yourself, learning to love, and learning about other people.
  • Learn to have good friendships!

Connect with Sammi & Spencer!

Follow Sammi on Instagram HERE

Follow Spencer on Instagram HERE

Sing up for Rejection Detox HERE!

Check Out Their Website HERE!

Pre-order Kaits Book HERE!

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