What does it mean to have a type?
Your “type” is often based on childhood woundings- these are deficits that you did not get from your parents or caretakers. When you have a type, you are drawn to something subconsciously that you believe will medicate your pain. Sometimes our types will help to validate the internal pain we have. For example, you may want to date someone because it validates your lovability or your beauty… things that you struggle with finding and accepting on your own. This is a huge way in which we actually are MEDICATING later in life from the wounds we first experienced as a child.
I found the above statement exactly true for me later in life. By dating my ‘type’ I often found myself in relationships that turned out to be very unhealthy with men who were not actually good for me. I was repeating patterns out of familiarity and looking for things in men to medicate my pain.
I wanted them to validate me. Make me feel seen. Make me feel beautiful… all things I was missing as a child.
FEAR has often become a driving force behind type. Sadly, instead of seeing dating as an opportunity to be a MIRROR to identify our own deficits and what healing needs to happen, oftentimes we instead see it as a consumeristic thing where we hope to get something from someone and have them fill our voids that are based in fear and pain. This often happens completely subconsciously.
Sometimes, we can even be addicted to the very thing that wounds us more. Why? Because it is familiar. Even though logically we KNOW it isn’t a good thing for us, the neural pathway of neglect feels FAMILIAR.
Once I started healing my ‘type’ by owning and healing these wounds, I felt FREE and open to date men that I wouldn’t initially be drawn to but ultimately were FAR better for me.
Here’s a question for you to reflect on…
If you are stuck on type… has your type worked out for you? Or has it left you more disappointed and heartbroken?
What is my biggest advice when it comes to having a type in dating?
As a dating coach, my biggest advice to you when it comes to types in dating is to take the pressure off of it. The healthiest thing that you can do when it comes to having a type is to hold your preferences LOOSELY. Overall, I encourage you to challenge how much priority you are putting on “preferences” and evaluate if this is coming from fear or pain because that’s frankly the opposite of what you want when searching for a healthy and compatible relationship.
So friends, if you find yourself dating the same “type” of person over and over and getting hurt by these same types of people (OR not being asked out at all). It may be time to take a step back, do some healing work, and then challenge yourself to date the unexpected!
HEY, this is what I did… and it led me to meeting my now husband!
If you want more practical and biblical advice on this, make sure you listen to episode 151 of the podcast where JJ & I discuss the ins and outs of having a type and how preferences can sometimes limit you on your dating journey!
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Kait and Hailey share their experiences with purity culture, the lies it led them to believe and how God has redeemed their sexual past.
Joel discusses the importance of having a vision, purpose, dreams, and pursuing them. He also talks about having values and being intentional.
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