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Weight in Dating

with

Arielle Estoria

Join Kait with Arielle Estoria as they unpack the nuanced topic of weight in dating and answer your questions. 

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In This Episode

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Arielle Estoria’s New Book

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There was a frequent trend amid our people that is a bit of a generalization… but something that came up so frequently I felt it needed to be asked. “It seems as though men are less likely to go for “overweight” girls and are less open to it, and yet generally women are more open to men of various sizes.” <<< what do you think about this assumption?

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Many people in our community commented that their families even say to them “You don’t have a boyfriend because guys don’t like bigger girls”

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The average size of a woman in america is a 14 which is considered plus size. And with that, we have a question from our people, “How important is weight in a relationship? Being that I’m a bigger girl myself, does being overweight actually mean being unhealthy? I had a personal trainer who said he had several larger clients who were healthy and strong, they just weren’t “supermodel” size or “trim”.” Someone else said, “On top of that, there seems to be assumptions that if you weigh a certain amount you aren’t healthy, OR that you aren’t doing your best to be healthy despite stress, genetics, and other obstacles that make it harder to keep weight off.”

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Do people get treated differently because of their weight? In platonic or romantic relationships? Do they have less of a chance in dating? For those listening that have eliminated others based on weight, what does it look like to lead with CURIOSITY versus CRITICISM?

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This is a follow up thought from a man in our community ”Ideally…. I wouldn’t like to take on a liability on my life. I’ve had loved ones who have been ignorant with their health and died young. I take good care of my body and I would expect my significant other to do so. To prioritize health through exercise and good nutrition. I wouldn’t expect more that what I am though. Granted, being a bodybuilder and 5% body fat is not what being healthy means in my book. If your blood work is on normal levels that's good enough 🙂 On the other hand, you can’t control genetic diseases. I understand that, but what is that person doing about it?” Arielle, what do you think about people who do desire for their significant other to take care of their body? Is there room for preferences on healthy lifestyle versus dealbreakers?

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I want to end here on how body image and self esteem can affect our dating lives. Our perception of our own physical appearance can highly affect your self esteem and confidence. It can often limit us from going out there, or it can almost great a self fulfilling mentality of “this guy won’t like me, I’m overweight and he won’t find me attractive” I believe the true reality is that if I don’t love me, how can anyone else? If I don’t approve of me, it doesn’t matter who else likes or approves of me. Do you believe this is true? How did this play out in your own journey? What do you recommend for those dating now struggling with feeling hopeless or worthless in dating because of their weight?

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Arielle Estoria’s New Book

  • The Unfolding: An Invitation to Come Home to Yourself
  • March 7th- preorder available now! 

There was a frequent trend amid our people that is a bit of a generalization… but something that came up so frequently I felt it needed to be asked. “It seems as though men are less likely to go for “overweight” girls and are less open to it, and yet generally women are more open to men of various sizes.” <<< what do you think about this assumption?

  • It comes down to the individual person. 
  • This is someone’s own experience that they have lived and not the whole human experience. 
  • For Arielle, her husband has always had more curvy ladies in his roster due to his own life experiences. 
  • What beauty standards are and the whiteness within them and therefore the “thiness” that comes with it. 
  • At the end of the day we love people for more than just their body. 
  • If you, as a whole body person aren’t being fully accepted and seen then that isn’t love. 
  • If we believe this this assumption then it also changes how we show up in dating. We go ahead and count ourself out. 

Many people in our community commented that their families even say to them “You don’t have a boyfriend because guys don’t like bigger girls”

  • This is ridiculous. 
  • All of the conditioning puts us in fear and insecurity that usually isn’t our own but has been put onto us. 
  • It all comes down to our own experiences. 

The average size of a woman in america is a 14 which is considered plus size. And with that, we have a question from our people, “How important is weight in a relationship? Being that I’m a bigger girl myself, does being overweight actually mean being unhealthy? I had a personal trainer who said he had several larger clients who were healthy and strong, they just weren’t “supermodel” size or “trim”.” Someone else said, “On top of that, there seems to be assumptions that if you weigh a certain amount you aren’t healthy, OR that you aren’t doing your best to be healthy despite stress, genetics, and other obstacles that make it harder to keep weight off.”

  • WHY is weight considered a factor in relationships? Why are we allowing it to be a hindrance? It’s a societal thing and family dynamics and conditioning in the home. 
  • At the end of the day people should be loved and seen for who they are. 
  • The Body Is Not an Applogy: The Power of Radical Self Love by Sonya Renee Taylor - “Equally damaging is our insistence that all bodies should be healthy. Health is not a state we own the world, we are not less valuable, worthy, or loveable because we are not healthy. Lastly, there is no standard of health that is acheiveable for all bodies. 
  • We are saying that health looks one way. That’s not physically possible when we have body types ranging from 0 - 40+. There is a beautiful mosaic of how we’ve been individually created. This also limits the creation that we’ve been created to be. We must have a very small minded,  not creative god if we think we’re all supposed to look a certain way. 
  • Health comes down to you as an individual. 
  • The defintion of healthy: In good health, not diseased, and indicative of, conductive to, or promoting good health. → THOSE SO BROAD. We have made it to be so small and so specific when it’s not. 
  • It’s physical, mental, social, spirtual. A WHOLE ROUNDED healthy. 

Do people get treated differently because of their weight? In platonic or romantic relationships? Do they have less of a chance in dating? For those listening that have eliminated others based on weight, what does it look like to lead with CURIOSITY versus CRITICISM?

  • You can’t do anything about those people. You literally can only do you. 
  • You have to release the responsibility of changing anyone’s mind or make them see you or to convince someone you’re loveable. 
  • Rework the narrative to be a confident woman, who knows who she is, aware of who she is and where her voice is, can be inferior. 
  • Some of Arielle’s best dates and ideas came from guys who wouldn’t be her “type.” 
  • Date the unexpected! 
  • You want to date a PERSON not a BODY. 

This is a follow up thought from a man in our community ”Ideally…. I wouldn’t like to take on a liability on my life. I’ve had loved ones who have been ignorant with their health and died young. I take good care of my body and I would expect my significant other to do so. To prioritize health through exercise and good nutrition. I wouldn’t expect more that what I am though. Granted, being a bodybuilder and 5% body fat is not what being healthy means in my book. If your blood work is on normal levels that's good enough 🙂 On the other hand, you can’t control genetic diseases. I understand that, but what is that person doing about it?” Arielle, what do you think about people who do desire for their significant other to take care of their body? Is there room for preferences on healthy lifestyle versus dealbreakers?

  • Preference is build off of bias, and we have to be careful with that. Are we first doing the work to undo systemic injustice mindsets that we have as a society? 
  • There’s so much fear in the comment around fear and loss. That’s the first thing that Arielle saw in the comment. 
  • Some diseases we can prevent but so many we can’t. 
  • The human experience is to pass eventually and we don’t know when that’ll happen. 
  • You’re allowed to have a preference as long as it’s not routed in bias. 
  • You are allowed to have a dealbreaker if that deal breaker comes down to, “I’m not being seen or honored as the whole divine person I am.”
  • You are allowed to have preference and things you’d like to see in a human being. You just have to do the work to make sure they’re not routed in bias, that they’re not routed in a mindset that people are less than, and that it’s not coming from a fear based place. Because if that is the case then we have other work to do and we shouldn’t be dating in the first place. 
  • Great question to ask yourself: What does my life look like with xyz preference? 

I want to end here on how body image and self esteem can affect our dating lives. Our perception of our own physical appearance can highly affect your self esteem and confidence. It can often limit us from going out there, or it can almost great a self fulfilling mentality of “this guy won’t like me, I’m overweight and he won’t find me attractive” I believe the true reality is that if I don’t love me, how can anyone else? If I don’t approve of me, it doesn’t matter who else likes or approves of me. Do you believe this is true? How did this play out in your own journey? What do you recommend for those dating now struggling with feeling hopeless or worthless in dating because of their weight?

  • Self love is a guide book, you write it, and you pass it on to others. You teach people how to love you. 
  • You have to see and know yourself. It starts with you. How do YOU feel about you? 
  • Start with, do you like you? Start there, get off the apps and do that work BEFORE you step into the dating world. 
  • Knowing and loving yourself is how we get to the point where we can be known and loved by other people. 
  • Nobody wants to date someone who doesn’t know who they are. 

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Arielle Estoria

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Arielle ​Estoria  (R-E-L) (EH-STORY-UH) ​is a Spoken Word Poet, gifted Writer and Author, captivating and authentic Emcee, Speaker, Model and Actor.  Arielle Passionately claims that she is in the business of pulling on heartstrings. Her motto, "Words not for the ears but for the soul" stems from her dedication to remind anyone who encounters her and her work that words are meant to be felt and experienced and not just heard. (Which just means you may or may not cry by the end of your time with her.) Arielle also has a very specific heart in empowering, encouraging and making space for audiences of women to feel at home in their own bodies. 

Arielle has shared her work through custom spoken word pieces, workshops and themed keynote talks with companies such as Google, Sofar Sounds, Lululemon, Dressember, Tedx, the SKIMS campaign by Kim Kardashian and more. 

Kait Warman

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Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018. 

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

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