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Join Kait today as she unpacks a very sensitive but important topic on emotional abuse and how this can show up in relationships.
Introduction to Emotional Abuse
What is emotional abuse exactly?
Some Red Flags of Emotional Abuse
Why do people stay?
The Cycle of Abuse
How do you LEAVE an abusive partner?
This is where FRIENDS come in
Takeaways
Welcome back HOD fam to another episode in our season on RED FLAGS! We’ve covered so much this season. Today is a really hard hitting topic that could be triggering for some. We will be discussing emotional abuse in this episode. If you’re feeling like you don’t know anything about this topic or have never been through this then you need to listen to this episode too because 1) a huge part of this process is being prepared for if this was to ever happen and being able to spot it and then 2) being able to be educated to be able to support your friends or people you may know who may be going through abuse.
Kait has shared her story of abuse on the podcast before. That episode came out in 2019 so you can and should go back and listen to that episode!
Emotional abuse is a MASSIVE red flag! A lot of times though, emotional abuse isn’t super obvious. You may have heard the analogy…if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump out because it’s really hot, but if you put a frog into a pot of lukewarm water and just SLOWLY turn up the temperature the frog won’t jump out and eventually the frog will die because it doesn’t notice the water getting hotter. This is very similar to how emotional abuse works. The abuse cycle starts very subtly and typically any kind of abuse starts with emotional abuse. That’s why it’s SO imporant to know what emotional abuse is.
All abuse is horrific, there are many different kinds of abuse… physcial, sexual, verbal, which is similar to emotional abuse. Any of these can imprint a painful trauma on your memory.
When people say the word ABUSE, they often first think of domestic violence. HOwever emotional abuse is VERY real and even MORE common. It can be very hard to spot because many people don’t really know the signs on top of the fact that emotional abuse is usually very slow and steady and is usually the foundation for other forms of abuse. Often what happens through time is that the abuser will use emotional abuse to erode a person’s self esteem and self-worth and create a psychological dependency on the abusive partner.
Emotional abuse includes non-physcial behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. Some examples can include, threats, insults, constant monitoring of you, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among other things. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Oftne times though, it is subtle. They act jealous of your friends or don’t want you to hangout with someone of the other gender. While these emotinally abusive behaviors do not leave PHYSICAL marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing abuse.
The problem is that over time this emotional abuse wears down your self-worth, confidence and mental and emotional strength because your partner is often demeaning, dismissive, or never trusting of you.
If you’ll recall Kait’s story of abuse, she started dating a guy right out of college. For the first year and half of their relationship he was emotionally abusive before he was ever physically and sexually abusive. The emotional abuse started very early on in the form of GASLIGHTING. This is a common tactic used in emotional abusive relationships. This is where your partner filps the script on YOU and makes something that is blatantly their fault, now suddenly YOUR fault. Gaslighting is incredibly confusing. Common things omone says when they are gaslighting you are, you’re overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke. The first time this happens, you may be like you’re actually being super rude and crazy. But, over TIME, repeaded, using this pattern, it wears down on you, it wears down on self worth, it confuses you and you start potentially believing that things things might be true. You may start to think, maybe I am being over dramatic, in private he’s so committed to me and so sweet to me, so maybe I’m just being too sensitive. So what seems obvious, ends up not being obvious over time.
If you couple this with you possibly coming into the relationship with low self esteem or self-confidence that isn’t fully solid in the Lord, then if you believe significant lies about yourself and the other person is reinforcing these lies, you may then start really believing what they’re saying.
Remember ususally emotional abuse doesn’t start right away, it might start subtly. This is also why we recommend dating someone for 90 days and not rushing into a relationship, because you really want to see their character through time and people who can be emotionally abusive, they’re really good at hiding this stuff. Abuse is all about POWER and CONTROL. So, if they want power and control over you, they’re not going to show you these sides of themselves until they actively know they have some kind of power and control over you. It’ll be after time of them doing wonderful things for you, like loveboming. THEN they’ll start adding in some of the emotional abuse.
These are all from the national domestic violence hotline (an AMAIZNG resource we highly recommend):
So, any one of these tactics is emotional abuse. However, we want to make a caveat here… because if someone does one of these things on a singular occasion that does NOT mean, oh my goodness, they’re emotionally abusive, and I have to leave them like right away. You need to watch for these patterns and know that people with TRAMA may lashout in emotionally abusive ways but that may be a momentary thing, and not a consistent thing. Look for if this is a consistent pattern and is this something they’re not seeking help for.
Why do people stay? This is a very commonly asked question especially in domestic violence cases. The reasons why someone stays in an emotional abusive relationship is very very complex. It’s reported that a victim will try to leave their abuser on average of SEVEN times.
EXPLOSION → possible REMORSE→ Honeyoon/ Love bombing→Tension→Attack
This leads to TRAUMA BONDING.
After an attack(physical, verbal, etc), There’s often intense remorse from the abuser. they often feel bad and apologize or ask for forgiveness, not always but often. It’s a POWER MOVE.
Then there’s typically a “honeymoon period” where things feel good or normal. This season of time can also be filled with love and attention from the abuser.
Eventually it all leads into building of tension with things like “don’t push it”, “If you loved me”, lots of “questioning and Jealousy”, sometimes “withdrawing and sulking”, “broken promises”
And at last it leads to another attack where you pushed them over the edge.
This pattern creates incredible confusion for the victim. The combination of love, affection and then physical, emotional, or verbal violence is completely disorienting. This cycle can be short or long just depending on the situation.
BIOLOGICALLY how we keep staying with an abuser…
The national domestic violence hotline says that biologically speaking the bonds we develop originate from our infantile dependance on someone ELSE for survival, usually our primary caregiver or parent.
Survival is FOUNDATION of human attachment.
So when safety is threatened by trauma, we naturally turn to someone who we think is the caregiver in our life. Someone who provides support, protection and care.
When this bonding occurs, oxytocin is released in our brains which FURTHERS comfort and attachment with the caregiver.
In ADULT relationships, this caregiver is OFTEN our signifcant other.
Trauma bonds occur when the person we regard as the significant other, aka our caregiver, is also the one creating trauma by threatening safety by abusive behavior. Given that we are actually HARD WIRED from birth to turn to a attachment figure we NATURALLY turn to our romantic partner EVEN WHEN they are the ones being abusive to us. This leads to victims feeling bonded to their abusers.
We also have a tendancy to make sense of our experiences, so we work HARD to rationalize the dissonance of our abusive partners caring and harmful actions. This rationalization strengthens the BOND between the two. On top of that abusive partners promise change and actively TEND to the wounds THEY create, precisely in the moments we feel MOST vulnerable and hurt.
The danger in trauma bonding is the impact that this repeated trauma has on us.
A common impact is actually over production of CORTISOL. Too much cortisol can damage our immune system, leaving us MORE susceptible to illnesses, anxiety, and high blood pressure.
There are also a slew of other health concerns that can come up through repeated trauma.
Common phrases or things said in emotionally abusive relationships
“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them.”
“You know you can’t get anyone better than me. You are lucky to be with me.”
“Are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just attracted to someone who takes care of themselves.”
“You’re so dumb. I knew this would be over your head.”
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, it takes an average of seven attempts for a person to finally leave an abusive partner.
If you see someone leave and come back to an abuser over and over again that can be SO hard. You may feel frustrated, angry, or you may want to GIVE UP.
Someone in a position to support a survivor can play a crucial role in empowering them to stay safe or even leave for good. It won’t be up to you, it’ll be up to them but you can support them.
If someone shows you a red flag of emotional abuse, don’t fully write them off, get curious.
Don’t just label them as an abuser but you want to see if they consistently make change.
You want to date someone for 60-90 days BEFORE you get into a relationship with them.
If you’re a friend, offer support, offer non-judgemental love, and take care of yourself.
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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.
Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.
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