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Mini Man-sode 28: Over Invested in the Relationship


JJ Tomlin

Join JJ today to talk about what to do if they’re overinvested in the relationship and you’re not feeling it. 


Alright fam welcome back to another Friday mini mansode! This one is gender neutral, but you already know this is a mansode so it is for men dating a woman! Y’all this one is sooooo REAL! We’ve seen this, JJ has experienced this and the interesting thing is that especially if you are NOT feeling it, it probably is the EASIEST thing for a person to spot. You are just not that into them, and they are DIGGING you…yikes. This actually is what we’ll call INFATUATION. 

Infatuation In a Relationship Might Look Like

“You are the best person I’ve ever met.” 

“You are everything, I’ve been looking for you this whole time.”

“You are perfect. Where have you been all of my life?” 

“You are nothing like my ex or any people I’ve met before you. I just admire you so much.” 

Honestly, this can feel good to receive that type of complimenting. That infatuation is TEMPORARY, it’s going to last around 10 months and it’s so UNREALISTIC. People will often confuse infatuation with a SPARK. We honestly, don’t see this lasting very long. The other thing is that it’s not even really about you. You have become a disney fantasy in their mind. They don’t even know you, your weaknesses, your flaws, anything about your past, they just know that they love you upfront and you are the most shiny attractive thing they’ve ever seen. 

This person we’ve been describing, the infatuated individual is probably the minority of the people listening to this episode. 

The MAJORITY of people are actually just OVERINVESTED with the RELATIONSHIP. 

It’s not about the PERSON, it’s about the RELATIONSHIP. They are overinvested in the relationship not the person. 

This is what being over invested in the relationship might look like…

First, they’re abandoning their realtionships/friendships voluntarily without you asking, to be with you all the time. They’re saying goodbye to all their other friendships and relationships to be with you ONLY. This is a clear red flag. 

Second, they’re sacrificing (without asking you) for you, giving you elaborate things or TIME. We would be extremely cautious if you’re seeing this upfront. 

Third, their values melt or deteriorate because you are their top priority. AKA they’re more concerned about quality time together than retaining time with God, other friendships or your valued routines of life. The key thing here is that you never asked for them to do this. 

Ultimately what is happening is that it might start as idolization but it very quickly turns to a hypervigaliance of the relationship. This is actually a form of CONTROL and INSECURITY that surfaces. You have quickly become the focal point of their life and have become the main source of VALIDATION for them in their life. This is so common and will start to happen around the second or third month of dating. 

You will typically find this with girls who have been cheated on, it’s a trauma response. It’s not that they’re “crazy” it’s for really great reason that they’re doing this. If they’re insecure about who they are, then they’re going to be insecure about the relationship. You all of a sudden have a God-sized expectation on your shoulders that you could NEVER fill. 

What to do

If it’s not infatuation they’re just very into you, this would probably be the girl being more ignited for the guy than the guy for the girl. Ladies, let me talk to you for a second. If you are more into him than he is into you then it simply will not work. There is NO substitute for a man who is ignited to pursue a woman. 

If you are a guy and you are interested in her and you’re ignited for her. AND she’s insecure about some things in the relationship, she’s a little controlling, overinvested, if you are comfortable and you know up front that there are going to be some hurdles and work you have to put in and you have time and she is worth it, then you can go for it! It’s going to require so much godly patience, humility and love to make it. It will be hard and challenging but it will grow you so much. 

To clarify, her wanting to be in a healthy relationship, with great communication, consistently planned dates, having a really awesome trust that you guys both know you can rely on and she has emotional saftey, is NOT the same thing as her being obsessed. 

The best way to identify or discern an obsession with the relationship vs. them wanting a really healthy awesome relationship…

An obsession/overinvestment they have abandoned their way of life, their relationship with God, close friends, mentors, and it is EXCLUSIVELY dependent on YOU. You could say that you feel idolized by them, not a partner to them. Or if you feel like you’re an object for their life to fulfill them, validate them, to love them then you are not a partner, you’re a slave to their desires. Get some really wise cousel on this! 

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JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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