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Mini Man-sode 36: Are You Looking For The One?


JJ & Kait Tomlin

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JJ brings on a special guest, Kait Tomlin to talk about compatibility, and the fairytale list we make up in our heads looking for the one. 


Hey hey hey Heart of Dating MEN! We’re so pumped you’re tuning into another mini mansode, we’re so excited you’re here! Today honestly, it’s a banger of an episode, truly. This is going to be a really good episode to be able to share with your friends. This is the video that JJ wished he’d had when he was a single man. Today we’re talking about THE ONE. Are you looking for the one? Is there even one out there? The best part?? We’re bringing on a special guest, the one and only Kait Tomlin! 

In the US, the dominant theology of singleness and choosing a partner is this. Your individual rights and happiness are the top priority, so finding a partner who RESPECTS your individual rights and happiness is the TOP PRIORITY.

People are trying to make themselves HAPPY instead of HOLY. They’re trying to be happy in marriage instead of letting marriage refine them and make them holier. However, we DO think that you should be happy in your marriage too. The goal of marriage is NOT that you’re getting married because it’s super convenient for your life, it makes you super happy, and this person just fits perfectly into every single thing you want. 


So often we hear “compatibility” and think about lifestyle preferences instead of CHARACTER compatibility. We end up looking at, if they like the same things you do, if they want to live in the same place you do, if they like the same music and the same hobbies you do and really the CONVENIENCE of that person perfectly fitting into your already established life. 

Marriage is to make you HOLY not HAPPY. This quote shouldn’t just be a nice fun quote you’d seen on instagram, it should DEEPLY impact how you approach and view dating, relationship, engagement, and ultimately, marriage. 

Another huge part of this is that a lot of men really desire a woman that will be like a “bro” to them. They want someone who will go golfing, watch football, play video games with them AND be happy doing that. This was something Kait and JJ ran into in marriage. Kait has absolutely no desire whatsoever to do those things, however she does compromise on her end to do those things sometimes. JJ also compromises to do things Kait loves sometimes, like going to Disneyland. We should normalize doing things with your partner that you don’t love to do. 

However, there is an UNREALISTIC expectation that guys, you’re going to marry a girl who loves football, likes to go golf, wants to play video games with you, AND she’s not very high maintenance, and doesn’t have many emotional outbursts. There are SOME women out there like that, however it’s not the majority. 

A marriage with a woman like we described above does NOTHING but enhances and upgrades his life. What’s happening in this scenario is that you’re coming to marriage for it to fulfill you. 

The foundation of this episode is that your partner’s inconveniences and flaws are the greatest tool to destroy and uproot SELFISHNESS in your life. 

Imaginary List That Doesn’t Exist (sounds amazing, but is a fairytale):

  1. Emotionally low-maintenance. Probably wouldn’t say that outloud though, we’d say something more polished along the lines of, she’s emotionally mature. She handles her emotions really well. She’s never too stressed out or emotional, she knows that Jesus is her safest space so she doesn’t need me. 

Some men think that because they’re emotionally suppressed they deserve a woman who is also. Know that big emotions exist and that’s okay. 

  1. She doesn’t tell me or ask me to do things I don’t want to do. We’d say something more polite and creative saying, I really want someone who respects my autonomy. They respect my life, my passions, my hobbies. 

Autonomy in a relationship to make your own decisions is great, it’s fundamental, it’s necessary. Autonomy to do whatever you want, whenever you want is not. Friction is a great thing. 

As an example, believe it or not, a person saying “hey, JJ, I love you, but watching commercial free football for 8-hours is not great for you. That is not control, that is LOVE and a challenge for you to grow as a man. 

Believe it or not, a person saying “hey, JJ, I love you, but playing golf 3 times a week and spending all your time and money pursuing leisure is fun but it is not great for you. That is not control, that is love and a challenge for you to grow as a man. 

JJ would’ve said these next few things were BONUSES, but they were actually qualifiers because if they didn’t have these things on the front end, he wasn’t interested. 

  1. She’s stunning. 

  1. Want the same amount of kids as I do. 

  1. Are cool about giving up their job and being a stay-at-home, and they will take my name. 

  1. Like doing everything with me. 

  1. They book and are an insanely good cook. 

  1. They are also great communicators, but not too annoying. They don’t call me when they have an issue or are stressed, they text me first to see if I am free. 

  1. They have no exes I have to worry about because they’ve done relationships really well and wisely their entire life, which of course means sexually. They have had the best integrity and are virgins. 

  1. They also are really fit, watch everything they eat, have perfect squat form and deadlift as much as me but don’t have traps that are too big. 

  1. She’s also super logical. Never anxious, and if she is anxious, she listens to my logical solutions and is always open to my opinion. 

If they have ALL of these, then spiritually they are awesome. They are exactly where I am, if not greater. They are humble, kind, selfless, they serve. Why do we love this? Because YOU win. They are selfless to you and serve you. 

This is a fairytale!!! If you are looking for this, it does NOT exist. If you are looking for this, you are basically trying to marry your best guy friend. You’re not looking for a spouse, you are looking for a fairytale princess. The purpose of marriage is to become more Holy. You are uniting yourself to another human and forcibly setting yourself up to clash with each other constantly, with both of your self-centeredness coming to the surface and that is what you NEED. Instead of that, we’re looking for what we WANT. 

Closing Thoughts

This comes from living in a world of singleness where you’re getting everything you want. It makes dating and relationships so hard because you’re having to give up some of those things you really want. Marriage requires a huge level of sacrifice. Living in a world of singless where constantly SURRENDERING your way is the BEST foundation for marriage because that is what the best marriage partners learn. 

Live your life in a way that you surrender everything to the Lord and let him highlight the things you need. 

One of the biggest areas in your single life to evaluate with this topic is masturbation. We have a really great episode on masturbation with Riley Kehoe, go check it out! 

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JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

Kait Tomlin

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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

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