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Is Masturbation WRONG?


Riley Kehoe

Riley Kehoe joins Kait and JJ to get into the nitty gritty of masturbation and if it’s right or wrong with some practical steps included. 

Stats from Riley’s Article on Masturbation & When Kait, JJ, and Riley were introduced to masturbation

  • According to the World's Largest Masturbation Survey done in 2018 with 13,000 respondents aged 18-74 across 18 countries…
  • 95% of men and 89% of women masturbate regularly (once per week)
  • 40% of men and 22% of women masturbate daily
  • 70% of married couples masturbate
  • One thing for SURE from these stats- Masturbation is NOT a male only thing.
  • Confession is the first step towards healing. 
  • It takes so much courage and vulnerability
  • It’s almost always an assumption among men that other males have masturbated, however it is NOT that way among women. 
  • Kait didn’t know women struggled with masturbation until she was about 25 and shortly after that entered her own struggle with masturbation. 
  • Riley entered a struggle with masturbation around age 12 but didn’t really understand what she was actually doing. 
  • It is something that most people kind of stumble into just being curious about their own body. 

BIGGEST QUESTION- Is masturbation wrong?

  • God created you with sexual desires and he LOVES that about you. It is not something to be shamful of but something to be celebrated. 
  • It is not black and white, it is GREY. It’s more healthy and unhealthy. 

Can you explain to our people the 2 sides of Masturbation?

  • SIDE 1- You can do it WITHOUT lusting for the purpose of sexual release-Especially for those who pursue lifelong singleness, or for the married person when sex is not possible due to distance or other factors.
  • SIDE 2- All masturbation is a sin because it’s impossible to masturbate without lusting. 
  • A huge teller for you is asking yourself, “how do you feel after?”
  • Riley’s rule of life question she asks herself is, “Does this elevate or compromise my relationship with the Lord?”
  • Riley found that masturbation didn’t elevate her relationship with the Lord because afterwards she didn’t feel closer to the Lord she felt further away. 
  • Does this glorify God or does it not? 
  • Philippians 4:8
  • If given two options, why not choose the one that calls us to be greater? 
  • God cares so much more about heart change as opposed to behavior change. 
  • Only you know your intentions. 

Let’s talk about the positive about masturbation for a moment- you are a sexual being and that is a GOOD thing about you.

  • Riley had so much grace and empathy for herself. 
  • She realized that side of herself wasn’t bad it just maybe wasn’t the right time. 
  • When she took shame out of the equation and started throwing buckets of shame on herself she found freedom. 

Conviction vs. Shame

  • For Kait, true Godly conviction came when she really revered how much God loves her and really truly who He is. 
  • When we seek God for an answer He does help and give answers. 
  • Shame comes when we know what is right and then we don’t do it. God spoke, and we disobeyed. 
  • Conviction comes from God, shame comes from us. 
  • We have to invite God in, he will never force himself. 

Let’s chat about how to stewarding a life without masturbation. How does someone get FREE of masturbation? And within that, how does one combat the SHAME that comes with it?

  • When you feel the desire to masturbate, this desire typically lasts 20 minutes so you need to distract yourself for 20 minutes. Go for a walk, find something to do.
  • Confess to your friends. 
  • Find an accountability partner. Give that person full permission to ask this person whenever and whatever. 
  • Self awareness is so key. Masturbation is so often us escaping or numbing something. 
  • Often there is a feeling or trigger and then you do it. Figure out what that is so you can safeguard yourself. 
  • God created us with a prefrontal cortex unlike other animals so we have the avility to tell ourselves what to do. We can have a desire and then CHOOSE to act on it or not. 
  • You CAN stop. You have the self control. You aren’t so addicted that gun to your head, you wouldn’t be able to stop. 
  • You have to come at the struggle of masturbation with a spirit of empowerment. 
  • If masturbation typically happens on the bed for you, jump out of the bed. Decide that you’re only going to be on the bed when you’re sleeping. 
  • Charge your phone outside of your room. 
  • Celebrate the small victories and have grace for yourself. 
  • Confession to God is for repentance and forgiveness. Confession among brothers or sisters is for healing. 
  • Masturbation can be super tied to connection and intimacy. Once you could see what you are lacking, you know you need to connect and go do that. 
  • Masturbation mirrors our deep desire for intimacy.

What’s the difference here between behavior modification and pursuing holiness?

  • Without the WHY we’re going to break the rule. 
  • The WHY is often found in community when processing with friends. 
  • Pray for God to convict you of this for what he wants. 
  • Why is it that I’m choosing not to masturbate? Journal it! 
  • Learning how to say no and learning self control is always a good thing. It can be applied to other subjects. 
  • If I’m struggling with self control in this area, I’m also struggling with self control in other areas of my life. How can I start learning self control in those other areas and exercising this muscle? 

JJ, what would you say to men who say they need to mastubate because they physically need that release?

  • Know that I am for you, and cheering for you. I actually think there’s more for you. 
  • Men do have wet dreams and I don’t think it’s an accident. I think it was designed on purpose so that you don’t have to stimulate yourself to release yourself. 
  • It sounds like an excuse to keep masturbation in your life. 
  • There is grace, but you’re going to have to learn and grow out of that. 
  • Masturbation is always for YOU. For self soothing and self pleasure. 
  • Sexual relations is always supposed to be about the other person. You’re not doing that with masturbation. 

Any final thoughts?

  • God has so much empathy for you. He does not leave you or forske you. 
  • He is the key to the strength for getting through this. 
  • God has never loved you more than this moment. 
  • Shame and love cannot co-exist. 
  • Bring God’s love into it. He has a pathway for you. 

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Kait Warman

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Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018. 

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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Riley Kehoe

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Riley Kehoe was born in England, raised in New Zealand, and now embraces America as her home. Riley has traveled to over 30 countries, mainly for volunteer work in third-world countries. She has a degree in Commercial Law and Management from Auckland University (New Zealand) and graduated with her Master’s in Global Leadership with Honors at Fuller Theological Seminary (Pasadena, California) in 2020. In 2004, Riley and her family were holidaying in Thailand when the Boxing Day tsunami struck. After living through an event that killed over 230,000 people, she set her sights toward helping others choose “courage over fear” in their everyday lives. At the age of twenty-six, she is in the process of writing her first book on the contagiousness of courage and dreams of writing more books.

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