We kicked off by talking about attachment styles — you know, anxious, avoidant, secure, disorganized — those labels that tend to stick in dating, right? Dr. Caroline Leaf reminded us (and this is MAJOR): You are not your attachment style. You are NOT just what happened to you. You are a thinking, feeling, choosing human being — “mind-dominated,” as Dr. Leaf puts it. All day long, your mind is running the show, not just your brain!
If you keep ruminating on thoughts like “I can’t form attachments” or “I’m not good enough,” your brain will literally wire those patterns deeper and deeper. But! The power is in “mind management.” When we learn to watch our conscious thoughts through our subconscious and nonconscious mind (AKA, spirit-led wisdom), we can actually break ANY toxic dating loop!
Attachment isn’t who you are, it’s a learned pattern — and you can unlearn it. Good relationships, healthy self-worth, even how your body feels during a trigger — it all starts in the mind first.

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Did you know stress itself isn’t the enemy? Dr. Leaf gets real here: Stress is not only normal, it’s necessary! It’s only when we’re not managing stress — not tuning into what our mind + body is saying — that it becomes toxic. Mismanaged stress wires negative patterns (like poor dating decisions, people-pleasing, staying in bad relationships) into our body, brain, and identity.

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This is where it gets practical. Dr. Leaf offers her “Neurocycle” — a five-step process to help you recognize, deconstruct, and rebuild your thought patterns (and YES, it works for dating anxiety, triggers, people pleasing, and even that whole “help I’m under pressure” feeling).
Here are the basics:

1. Gather Awareness of your signals: feelings, behaviors, body sensations, and perspectives as you approach dating or relationships.
2. Reflect on what those signals mean — the who, what, when, where, why behind the triggers.
3. Get the Details — let insight and memory flow, start seeing both the root and the solutions.
4. Reconceptualize — ask “How can I see this differently?” and “What action could I take today?”
5. Active Reach — take daily action and remind yourself of your new patterns (in the app you can even schedule reminders!).

How long does it take to change? Dr. Leaf’s research shows it takes roughly 63 days (not 21, sorry!) to transform a toxic habit into a resilient, healthy new thought network.

Real talk: This isn’t a once-and-done fix. You may get triggered again on day 50, or when your grandma asks why you’re still single on Christmas. But the journey itself is full of growth, insight, and self-compassion. Each cycle helps you get stronger, more resilient, and more equipped to choose healthy attachment and connection.

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Dr. Leaf surveyed her community and the top triggers people face (yes, singles included!) are:

• Help, I’m under pressure
• My brain won’t shut up
• I want to punch that person in the face (!)
• The world seems so black and white
• My intrusive thoughts won’t quit
• My regrets
• My past is haunting me
• I’m a people pleaser

If you ever experience these (and who doesn’t?), Dr. Leaf’s toolkit gives you the power to mind-manage your way OUT of ruminating in those patterns and into grace, growth, and connection.

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HOD fam, whether you’re single and navigating attachment loops, dating and struggling with anxiety, or just overwhelmed by family triggers — this episode is your gentle, science-backed invitation to start mind management TODAY. Remember: Jesus sees you, every emotion is valid, and you are so much more than your relationship status or your worst thought loop.

Check out Dr. Caroline Leaf’s new book Help in a Hurry, her NeuroCycle app, and her online courses for even deeper support. And make sure you’re following the Heart of Dating podcast every Wednesday for more coaching, encouragement, and truth!

Big hugs, keep rewiring your mind, and go love yourself bravely — we’re cheering for you!

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