A Shame-Free, Godly Foundation of Sex

Gary Thomas joins Kait and JJ for a deep dive into how to have a shame-free and godly foundation of sex.

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In This Episode

There is sometimes a real fear in the body of Christ that singles cannot even hear the word sex because believers will not be able to control their minds. And THEREFORE, we cannot talk about the conversation of sex with singles, which creates harmful cycles around sex, sexuality. What do you think about this predicament?

The reality is GOD LOVES sex… How do we see this play out specifically in scripture and how does that exemplify God’s view of sex?

Can you walk us through the 5 purposes of Sex?

Why is it so important for us to find sex sacred and divine? Why is it so important for us to grasp it is much more than a physical transaction?

Why does God guice and command us to wait until marriage? How does understanding the absolute sacrednness of sex change our WHY or our conviction?

It is no surpise that the sacredness of sex has been skewed in ways by culture on one side (it’s just sex) and Church purity culture on the other (purity alone is on the pedestal). How does a Christian separate SHAME from sexuality and their Godly created sex drive from the purity culture narrative?

There is a lot of teaching from the post purity culture pendulum that teaches to embrace, explore our sexuality.. Should we embrace our sexuality? If so, what degree or how? A prayer often singles pray is, “God.. Thank you for my sexual nature, please shut it down until I get married!”.. BUT how can that be damaging?

If we have defined that sexuality and sex drive is GOOD and created by our good God… How does a single not make sex and idol or harbor resentment towards God in having to wait when they have a sex drive?

Book Recommendations for Singles

There is sometimes a real fear in the body of Christ that singles cannot even hear the word sex because believers will not be able to control their minds. And THEREFORE, we cannot talk about the conversation of sex with singles, which creates harmful cycles around sex, sexuality. What do you think about this predicament?

God created us to be interested in sex. It’s healthy to be interested in sex, we can only govern how we think about it.
We need to be kind to ourselves in when we think about sex. There are healthy and unhealhty ways to think about sex. Is it leading you to obsess and “fall?”

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The reality is GOD LOVES sex… How do we see this play out specifically in scripture and how does that exemplify God’s view of sex?

Song of Songs that talks about the sexual relationship between a man and a woman.
It shouldn’t suprise us that the inspired word of scripture says that there is no song like this song. Before we even get into the book, it has preached a sermon on God’s celebration of sexuality.
Song of Songs 1:2 - The book begins with pleasure for the woman first. God didn’t create sex for the man, where the wife just services the man, or the wife has to give sex to the husband or he might sin. It’s entirely God saying to the wife, the wife expressing her gratitude. “This is for me, I literally have no higher pleasure than making love to my husband.” Now, not every wife may feel that way, but it shows God’s intention that sex is for the wife.
For a healthy man, the most satisfying thing for him, is a sexual satisfied wife.
Song of Songs 5:1 - God is looking at a couple having sex and there is no shame. He’s telling them to enjoy, endulge, don’t shy away.

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Can you walk us through the 5 purposes of Sex?

Procreation - Genesis 1:28.
Pleasure like we won’t feel anywhere else
Relationally bonding
It helps us live with sexual integrity - 1 Corinthians 7 Imporant to note that sex doesn’t fix a sexual addiction. Don’t sacrifice the quality of your spouse to get married sooner.
A picture of Christ and the Church and the convanant love.

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Why is it so important for us to find sex sacred and divine? Why is it so important for us to grasp it is much more than a physical transaction?

Women, put down the erotica books, men, stay away from the porn. It gives you an appetite for plastic, processed food, that makes you sick. Don’t settle for less than God’s best.
Sex is so much more than a physcial act.

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Why does God guice and command us to wait until marriage? How does understanding the absolute sacrednness of sex change our WHY or our conviction?

Purity culture went wrong by saying that once you’ve had sex outside of marriage, you’re broken.
Recoginzing we’ve been lied to when we think we can view sex as not different.
Fruitfulness in ministry depends on us making a wise choice.
God created sex to help us bond and rebond, not to jump start intimacy.

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It is no surpise that the sacredness of sex has been skewed in ways by culture on one side (it’s just sex) and Church purity culture on the other (purity alone is on the pedestal). How does a Christian separate SHAME from sexuality and their Godly created sex drive from the purity culture narrative?

One of the biggest lies of purity culture is that if you abstain from sex until marriage then you’ll have a great sex life. A great sex life isn’t based on what you didn’t do before you were married. It’s based on what you do after you are married.
Another problem is that purity culture divided people into two camps. Those who were virgins on their wedding day and those who weren’t. There is really only ONE camp, and it’s that we all need the grace of Jesus Christ. We are ALL sexually broken. We’re all on a journey.

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There is a lot of teaching from the post purity culture pendulum that teaches to embrace, explore our sexuality.. Should we embrace our sexuality? If so, what degree or how? A prayer often singles pray is, “God.. Thank you for my sexual nature, please shut it down until I get married!”.. BUT how can that be damaging?

We must embrace our sexuality.
Men and women are different.
Some desires are bad. Porn disciples people. It has the power to shape and form our thoughts on sex.
It’s healthy to repress myself if my desires lead me to violate or disrespect or demean another person.
Removing sex from God has set the moral standard to be consent. As long as two adults are consenting and not hurting each other, it’s wrong to deny it. The Christian worldview is, does God consent? Because God created us. You can do terrible and lasting harm to an adult who is begging you for more.
Marriage is good. Marriage is the healthiest and safest place for us to be sexual beings.
Resources for single women: Sex and the Single Girl by Juli Slattery and Sex and the Single Christan Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-Com World by Marian Jordan Ellis

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If we have defined that sexuality and sex drive is GOOD and created by our good God… How does a single not make sex and idol or harbor resentment towards God in having to wait when they have a sex drive?

There isn’t really anything special about sex in regards to other disappointments. Throughout life there will be many disappointments.
God gets it, lament. Use that energy to try to find a healthy relationship. Find other ways to self soothe that are healthy.
Some seasons of life have to be endured. It’s part of living in a fallen world.

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Book Recommendations for Singles

The Sacred Search: What if it’s Not about Who You Marry, but Why? By Gary Thomas and David C. Cook
Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? By Gary Thomas and Zondervan
Outdated by JP Pokluda
Sex and the Single Girl by Juli Slattery
Sex and the Single Christan Girl: Fighting for Purity in a Rom-Com World by Marian Jordan Ellis

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Gary Thomas

Gary Thomas’ writing and speaking focuses on bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others. He is the author of over 20 books that together have sold two million copies and have been translated into more than a dozen languages. These books include When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People; Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?, The Sacred Search: What If It’s Not About Who You Marry, but Why?, and the Gold Medallion award winner Authentic Faith.
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Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR). He is the teaching pastor at Cherry Hills Community Church in Highlands Ranch, Colorado and an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon.
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Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in all 50 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” “Best of 2017” “Best of 2021” and “Best of 2022.”
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Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 38 years and they have three adult children and two grandchildren.
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Gary is active online through his website (www.garythomas.com), twitter (@garyLthomas) Facebook
(www.facebook.com/authorgarythomas) Substack, (https://garythomasbooks.substack.com/) and
Instagram (garythomasbooks)

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