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RED FLAG: Not Physically Attracted to Them

with

Kait and JJ Tomlin

Kait and JJ are fired up this week to talk about physical attraction and the role it plays in relationships. 

Introduction

Hey hey hey Heart of Dating fam we’re back with another episode in this season on RED FLAGS! We’re not going to lie, Kait and JJ are FIRED UP in this episode and are GOING THERE! We’re not sure that you’re ready for this but buckle up and let’s jump in! 

We want to speak from a place of grace and compassion but we’re fired up! 

Fear

There is a FEAR around people settling with someone they aren’t actually attracted to. People are afraid they are going to marry someone they are NOT attracted to at all.

We are NOT proponents of telling you that you should marry someone who on your wedding day you don’t want to kiss. You should NOT marry someone who after spending time getting to know them you still don’t want to kiss them or the idea of making out with them grosses you out. We’re NOT here to say just marry someone who has great character, it doesn’t matter what they look like, it doesn’t matter if you’re not attracted to them physically, because it’s not about that. We would actually say that physical attraction is important, but the way we prioritize it is very wrong. We also believe that physical attraction can GROW! We’re not going to sit here and say that you’re going to end up with someone who you never want to kiss in your life. That is not our hope and goal for you. 

Why is there not a middle ground? We seem to always swing to one extreme or the other. On one end there’s the fear that God will have you marry someone that grosses you out physically. On the other end there’s the fantasy that God know’s everything you like and is going to give you the most attractive person on the planet to you. There has to be some middle ground somewhere. 

Video Going Around About Type

In the video they start to talk about TYPE, which is so funny because we’ve done so many episodes on type here at Heart of Dating so our ears peak up. The video talked specifically about there HAVING to be a SPARK. Anddd y’all already know we don’t like the word spark around here. It’s the Disney FANTASY! There was one line that we did NOT like, “It’s easier to get a FINE GIRL SAVED than an ugly SAVED girl FINE. Yuck, yuck, yuck, we did not like this at all! That statement is so objectifying and just plain bad. As Christians we should be the leaders of, “I do not care what this person looks like.” You see more of their inherent value regardless of how they look. So viewing it from that lens, it’s heart breaking to hear a statement like that from Christian leaders. 

Everyone listening has gone probably struggled with some form of body image. There have been times in Kait’s own life where she felt like she was ugly. So if she heard this statement from a leader or pastor she personally would feel like, on I’m the ugly girl, no guys are really going to want me because I’m not fine enough. If I was struggling with body image then hearing this would make me feel hopeless. The problem is that you’d NEVER hear this statement about men. The statement as a whole feels like boys locker room, immature, and gross, because it’s so dehumanizing. This is also problematic for men, because it perpetuates the idea that men have no self control. 

If I were to build a list about what’s important in my godly spouse, what would the Bible say? The Bible is more clear about this than any pastor, sermon, or podcast. 

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 17:19 Whoever loves transgression loves strife; he who makes his door high seeks destruction.

Proverbs 12:18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 31:10-31 Directs us toward the virtuous, for they their price is “far above rubies”.

1 Timothy 4:12 Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

1 John 3:17-18 But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

It’s such a bad thing when you say that you HAVE to have a physical spark to draw you in because that should NOT be what draws you in. You SHOULD have a physical connection, absolutely! Don’t get married if you have no physical connection whatsoever. But, that is a horrible thing to draw you in and make you want to be with someone. We talk a lot about FOUNDATION. If you want to build your relationship on SAND, then build it on physcial attraction and watch the sand sink. When you marry someone, you’re marrying a best friend, you’re NOT marrying a sexual object. 

When Adam first saw his wife, he didn’t say, she is so fine.. wooof!! His inner dog didn’t come up. He said, at last, bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh. Do I love you??? No I am you, you are me, and in your presence I know who I am reminded of who I am. Tim Keller always said, marriage is friendship on fire, deep oneness that comes from a mutual journey. There is Eros love means, erotic romantic love of two people looking at each other. Philos love means two people standing side by side looking at something else in common wow what a picture. So if we are looking for philos, partnership, kingdom love on mission. Why are we STARTING with eros!? Biblically, philos is the first stage, it is the foundation, and eros grows from the brotherly, deep oneness and friendship. 

Let’s Challenge Type and Attraction Real Quick

Some of you know this already but some of Kait’s story was that she wasn’t that pysiclaly attracted to JJ in the beginning. She previously worked in fashion and really valued style and fashion and JJ had blue hair and didn’t really care much about what he wore. JJ was objectively an attractive person, but subjectively to Kait, she wasn’t that attracted to him because of his style and some of his hygiene (the way he ate lol). There is line though, because if JJ had smelled like BO and his breath smelled awful it probably wouldn’t have gone any further. However, even though the physical attraction didn’t feel all there, she found herself feeling attracted to him in other ways because DING DING DING there are different TYPES of ATTRACTION! Because JJ was NOT Kait’s type. We need to stop eliminating people because on paper they’re not what you would like to see. People change!! Their styles and bodies and everything can and will change over time. 

We don’t want to shame you, if this is what you’ve been doing. We simply want to challenge you to not eliminate people based on superficial things. Elyse Murphy actually was the one to talk to Kait about basically getting over the style stuff with JJ. 

Any other love other than I love you, because I love you, because I love you is counterfeit love. 

A lot of people fear that if you’re not superrr attracted to them that the sex won’t be good. That’s just not true! Sex is about so much more than physicality. It’s emotional, spirtual and then also yes, physcial. Sex is best when you’re united and soley focused on the other person. When you’re all about attraction and type it’s really all focused on you instead of them, which is how it should be.

Buckets of Attraction

There are actually 5 different buckets of attraction. 

  • Emotional Attraction: Vulnerability, emotional safety. Do you feel seen? Do you feel known? Can you share your feelings safely? Can you share your past safely?
  • Spiritual Attraction: Being attracted to the JESUS in them. 
  • Intellectual Attraction: Being attracted to how smart they are, and intellectual conversations. 
  • Personality Attraction: This is the friendship part of the relationship.
  • Physical attraction

Where is the Line?

Some people are actually, genuinely trying to challenge their type and wondering where the line is. Here’s what we would say, if you’ve gone on more than one date and truly tried then it’s OKAY, to stop seeing them. You tried and that’s okay. As you’re challenging yourself, pay attention to what’s making you uncomfortable with their physical appearance. Make sure you’re not on the dates just constantly thinking about that “flaw” but truly giving them a chance. 

Conclusion

Marriage is not romance garnished with friendship. It’s not in essence romance and attraction, and friendship is thrown in as a wonderful little option, a wonderful little plus if you can get it. Rather, marriage is friendship with romance garnishing and flavoring it.

Furthermore, friendship is not just a feeling of affection. Friendship is a deep oneness that comes from two people journeying toward a common horizon. First, the oneness; secondly, the walking together, the interacting; and thirdly, the common horizon or goal you’re going to.

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Kait Tomlin

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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.


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