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Reclaiming Worth and Value as a Single


Jason VanRuler

Today Kait and JJ have on Jason VanRuler to talk about reclaiming worth and value as a single through your own journey of healing. 


Welcome back to another episode of the Heart of Dating podcast! We’re in our new season all about singleness and tools to THRIVE in singleness. We have a special guest with us today, Jason VanRuler. Jason, launched a book last year in 2023 called Get PAST your Past: How facing your broken places leads to true connection. AND Bob Goff wrote the foreword and it’s amazing!! Today were talking about reclaiming your worth and value as a single! Let’s jump in!! 

What would you say if you had a room full of 10,000 singles listening and you had to highlight your theology of singleness?

For Jason, singleness is a season and thinks it’s a really good time to learn to take care of ourselves. Sometimes we overlook that place and try to figure out how to get form A to B without actually finding the things we need to take care of ourselves. So the challenge that Jason sees in a lot of people is that they don’t ever actually learn how to enjoy their own company or how to live in a healthy space so then in a relationship they don’t know how to do that either. What Jason says is that this can be an amazing season if we let it, but we have to lean into what that means and that it might not actually be the thing we want right now. How do I take where I’m at and make something really beautiful out of it? 

A lot of times there’s dating advice that’s a one size fits all but really what Jason looks at is that we date different in different decades. For example, someone in their 20s is dating for experience while someone in their 30s is dating for aspiration. 40s is really about our identity and who we see ourselves as. 50s is often about what we didn’t get. 60s and beyond is about legacy. This gives us some permission to see that not all advice is a one size fits all because we’re all dating for different reasons. 

I want to start with how to change deeply… something you talk about is when you met Jodi, your now wife, you began the journey of facing your past… and YET you still had a long way to go. Some people start the work, their life improves, and then they settle into complacency… What do you recommend for singles that have started the work but have fell into complacency?

The problem is that it’s a reactive approach to our lives, instead of proactive. When we react, that’s not our best self. Therapy should be a part of our life. Of course there will be seasons where it’s more prevalent than others. Overall, we want to have a lifestyle where were pursuing better, whatever that looks like in different ways on an ongoing basis as opposed to just reacting to the problems. 

Did Jodi marry potential when she married you?

Jason knew what he was doing was not working and that something had to change when He and Jodi came together. Jodi was the first person to lovingly look at Jason and say, I love you, and I’m lovingly telling you, you should pull it together. 

For most of your clients do you find it takes a romantic partner or marriage to pull that out of someone or how do, as singles, we get that same process done?

Jason says he thinks this can be in friendship. Friendship is a practice ground for romantic relationships. When we have a friend group who can do this with us, it prepares us for relationships. 

Jason was both willing and owned the work that needed to be done. So the question is, are they willing to own that and work on it? 

As a friend who may be dating someone or has a friend who may not be willing to own it, what is your recommendation to give feedback?

At the end of the day they have to make the decision for themselves. Jason always says that healthy relationships are invite only. We can invite them we can’t force it. Telling people what to do rarely works. A great question to ask is, “how’s that working for you?” This is always asked out of curiosity not with an agenda. 

As we talk about reclaiming value, I want to bring up that often the things we believe about ourselves are not really true. How can singles work through self-limiting beliefs?

The first thing is recognizing that you have them and that you’re believing them. Who’s voice do you hear these negative thoughts in? Sometimes it’s rooted in a wound. Secondly, is it universally true for you? It might be true in one context, but it may not be true universally. Be curious about the other side of it? Is there evidence to support the other side of what you’re believing? 

We have two hands, one for truth and one for grace. Usually were really good at one and really bad at the other. 

We have a LOT of singles who feel like “the person I do like never asks me out, while the one I am NOT interested in always does”... This leads to them feeling worthless. What would you say to an experience like that?

The reason can vary so much. Sometimes it’s about what we’re putting out there. Sometimes it’s what we’re internalizing. Sometimes we may need to have more conversations with people. We should have so much curiosity in dating and sometimes we replace that with judgement. 

It’s so important to be curious because you learn. You do not know it all. Curiosity is the springboard to the very things you want. 

Many singles feel cynical and really HURT. Cynical by the lack of it panning out. Hurt by the constant rejection. They feel stuck and hopeless. How can they work through that?

How is your attitude with which you’re approaching this season making it better? Are we going to allow blank amount of experiences to dictate our life and how we live? 

What is the one main thing you want singles feeling worthless to know and do leaving this podcast?

You’re not worthless. There are relationships out there for you. It may be difficult, but it’s going to be difficult to not try too. It’s going to be a challenge both ways. Pick your difficult. Build up a really strong group of community around you where you feel loved and supported. You’ll then go into relationships feeling much more cared and loved. 


Jason VanRuler

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Jason VanRuler is a licensed therapist, author, speaker, and coach determined to help you grow your relationships, become a stronger leader, and own your past to drive a better future.

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Website IconPodcast Mic IconInstagram IconFacebook IconLinkedIn IconTick Tok IconTwitter IconYoutube IconCustom Icon

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