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Mini Man-sode 29: Strong Independent Woman Who Don't Need No Man


JJ Tomlin

JJ talks about how to tell if she’s too independent and how we got to this place of strong independent women who don’t need no man. 


Hey MEN, welcome back to another men’s minisode in our red flag season!! This is a GOOD one, you’ve probably heard before, it’s so REAL. She’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no man…let’s dive into it!!!! 

So a little history for you, the sexual revolution, the pill, AND women’s rights all happened around the same time and worked kind of like a trifecta. Since the 60’s the evolution of women’s lives has continued to GROW and EVOLVE! We should celebrate this! From the beginning, the Christians have been champions of women. This has been GREAT in so many ways for women, and it has also come with lots of challenges for our sisters in Christ.

JJ thinks the biggest mistake we made in the 60s and 70s  is that we said in order for women to be respected they had to transform and turn into masculine men. The masculine definition of a life, career, and earning was more respected than any other feminine roll of maybe a traditional caretaker, house maker, or mother so to be respected they had to be able to take on masculine qualities. 

Fast forward 50 years and we’re in the middle of what JJ would call, a masculine epidemic. There is such a radical pursuit of the masculine, proactive, aggressive, nature there’s NO respect for the feminine, softness, grace, nurturing nature. 

As a precursor, at Heart of Dating we LOVE the idea of feminine and masculine energy. This is a big topic that we teach in School of Dating that we LOVE! Lots of women we know are huge fans of our dear friend Rachel Sherril with the True Feminine podcast! A lot of people however, get a little uneasy and asking questions when we start talking about feminine and masculine energy. This isn’t ann episode on feminine and masculine energy but it is part of the background and history. 

So first, here’s what it is NOT!

Masculine vs. feminine nature is NOT complementarisim or egalitarianism. We’re not necessarily talking about gender roles and the gender construct in Genesis and the curse of Genesis and how Adam and men abuse authority, and how Eve and women want to resist authority and how specifically how that should play out in marriage. 

It also is NOT a post-moder, yoga theory where we are manifesting with our crystals and talking about the masculine energy we’re partnering with and opening our mind up into feminine energy. 

Here’s what it IS!

God created both male and female in HIS image, this is AMAZING! That means that everything especially as it pertains to your SPIRIT, your core tendencies, what you’re wired for, what’s most natural instincts to your gender. That’s your masculine and feminine energy or capacity. AND, they’re not exclusive. Men have both a masculine and feminine nature and women have both a feminine and masculine nature. As a healthy adult you should have both! 

A cool thing to think about is that God created male and female in his image so they are both derived from him. Which is SO cool! 

Men might be more naturally inclined to provide and protect, but that does not mean they cannot have an empathetic and nurturing nature too. 

Women might have more of a natural inclination to provide and nurture, but that does not mean they cannot have a protective or fierce nature. 

So, here we are TODAY with women, 50 years out of their revolution, they are in the workforce, they are trying to provide for themselves, they are investing their time and effort into their real estate, living expenses, retirement, their debt, their child their vision. They’re still trying to prove something. And the question becomes… 

How do you know if they are too independent??

Sometimes we have this idea of the big, bad, fierce independent girl who just simply doesn’t need a man. The reality is that it depend! If they are so fiercely independent that they guard their independence and don’t wantt to rely on anybody for anything including in a relationship…then YES. That is too indeepndt. I am SO glad she’s a go-getter, I am proud that she is kicking butt, but that does not open space for a partnership. To find another partner and have a relationship, you go form the I in independent to WE. The best relationships are TEAMS! 

It is a great thing to have DEPENDENCE in a relationship. To build trust, to build reliability. To have both patterns say you know, maybe I am not the best in this area, maybe I am having a bad day or bad season, I need to rely on you at this moment. Side note… that’s going to happen! 


There is a difference between an independent woman and a woman who knows how to be independent AND also opens themselves up to be dependent. Because of the woman constantly taking pride in their independence has no room for a man to STEP up and be the man he desires to be. You are more of an independent mom in their life, not a partner.

And by the way… we think it takes way more strength for a woman to release control and depend on others. Why? Because there is RISK! I am going to step back and rely on another person? That surely opens me up to be disappointed and sad. That is not very fun. But I am willing to give this person a chance because not only are they worth it, but this is a great, healthy thing I am going to have to practice in ANY relationship.

Closing Remarks

If she’s a boss, she runs her life well with excellence, and cranking on all cylinders. She’s loving Jesus, she is cultivating a  Godly relationship without you, she doesn’t necessarily NEED a partner but she WANTS one. Strong women are going to want a STRONG man. If she is giving you opportunity after opportunity to rise up, to step up, she is not relaxing on her expectations of you, you HAVE to find a way to LEVEL UP!  She is looking for an EQUAL partnership. She’s not looking to adopt you!!!! She wants to be met, challenged, spiritually, emotionally, and professionally. She wants to be able to RELAX knowing that YOU are doing what you said you were going to do. That way you two can RELY on each other for needs and build a GREAT TEAM! 

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JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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