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Marital Consent

with

Kait & JJ Tomlin

Join Kait and JJ as they chat through what sexual consent looks like in marriage. 

Obligation

  • If you have sex with someone that does not want to have sex with you, but feels she has to out of obligation that is marital rape. 
  • Key word here is obligation. Obligation infers entitlement, there is no choice. 
  • Obligation quite literally means an act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment. Whether you feel like or hate it, refuse it, you are bound to fulfill it. 
  • WHY? When it’s obligated, you can’t REALLY say yes if you can’t also say no. If you can’t freely say no, you also can’t truly and freely say yes.

What is Marital Rape?

  • The husband is exercising control and truly doesn’t care and is abusive- this is definitely point blannk RAPE. It’s unfortunate to see that many books and teachings out there actually condone this to an extent. 
  •  A leve of Coercion into sexual intimacy where the husband may not have completely realized the dynamics that were present.

How did we get to THAT?

  • The belief that you need mutual consent to say NO, but not to say yes. IE- there are stories in which men are unhappy if they cannot have sex with their wives post partum when she is healing or the week every month she is on her period. They see it as a time they did not agree to. 
  • When sex is talked abut as something God commands women to give to their husbands- like many people refer to when talking about this subject specifically in 1 Corinthias 7:3-5… in many ways what the wife truly desire or in that case, the wife’s consent doesn’t matter because from that lens only God’s consent counts.
  • When you believe that your wife is the lawful sexual outlet, and God gave her to you specifically to use so that you don’t sin (1 Corinthians 5 3-7). In many ways, you hear men making commentsusing your wife for sexual release is seen as a righteous act to avoid sin. Here’s the thing- if we portray sex as it being something men are entitled to… then the idea of consent IS in fact meangingless. Objectification of your spouse as merely an outlet leads to a reduction of God’s image and gift to you to fulfill your urge.
  • That one’s body is not their own, and in essence we do not have autonomy over our bodies. The point of 1 Corinthians 7 “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. “ The point of those verses is not that he can do whatever he wants with her body. If that were the point, then the verses would simply have said, “The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband,” and NOTHING would come after.
  • It says “IN THE SAME WAY”. The man also does not have claim over his body. THIS MEANS- neither of us can use our bodies in a way the other doesn’t want. THIS ALSO MEANS… sex was designed to be MUTUAL. THIS is a revolutionary concept for it’s time!!! Because at the time, women had in essence NO authority over their bodies… so Paul is saying now that the tables have turned and women have authority over their husbands bodies as well.

WHERE IS THE CONSENT LINE?

  • Sheila Gregoire’s THREE CATEGORIES OF ATTITUDES TOWARDS SEX. 
  • 1. UNWILLING: I actively want NOT to have sex. (THE CONSENT LINE) Like this is a concrete wall, 100ft tall and 100ft wide. 
  • 2. NEUTRAL: I don’t really feel a need for sex, but I may be open to it. This like a sales call… ok… I am open. In marriage, this is probably the most frequent thing you will run into if you have different libido schedules.
  • 3. WANTING: I want to have sex.
  • THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between NOT wanting to have sex and not particularly wanting to have sex right now.

BEING UNWILLING- aka NOT GIVING CONSENT

  • This means that a woman right now actively DOES not want to have sex and is not consenting.
  • To use 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 to say that women NEED to have sex even if they aren’t willing eradicates consent.

HOW do we fix this?

  • We need to understand that sex is NOT something that is owed to one another.
  • It’s a sexual desire, not a sexual need.

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Kait Warman

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Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018. 

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.


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