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Hot Take Our View on Lust and Modesty


Kait and JJ Tomlin

Join us today as Kait and JJ unpack this loaded topic of lust and modesty. 


  •  All men struggle with lust, so women need to cover up
  • There is a common narrative taught that women (or girls) should do things to prevent men (or boys) from lusting. This teaching starts at younger ages for women, usually when they are girls and ultimately encourages to hide and cover up in order to not cause men to stumble.
  • In this teaching, women are giving the role as sexual gatekeepers for men.
  • What this narrative of “men struggle with lust, it’s part of your role to help him” actually is saying is THIS…When a man looks at a woman, or even a girl, he is going to see the physical body parts over a person. And without being able to control it, his brain instantly goes to sexual thoughts. Instead of seeing the woman for the PERSON that she is, he can’t help but see her as an object of sexual gratification, especially if she dresses in a way that causes him to stumble.
  • We believe this narrative is incredibly dehumanizing to both women.. AND MEN!
  • Women, you are SO much more than a collection of body parts that offers sexual gratification for men,
  • Men, you are SO much more than an uncontrollable, animalistic desire.


  • Indeed it’s true that many men struggle with lust (and for clarity sake, so do women), BUT seeing or recognizing that someone is beautiful or attractive is not the same as lusting. 
  • Lusting happens when you fantasize sexually about someone. There is a difference.


  • Instead of the narrative being “men just can’t help themselves” it needs to be flipped to, “men who can’t help themselves need to seek their own help.”
  • Instead of the narrative being “women need to mitigate lust for a man” it needs to be flipped to, “women are not objects, they are whole people. If a Christian man struggles with lust, he needs to tap into the Holy Spirit within him and exercise the fruit of self-control.”
  • Of course there is GRACE. Indeed many boys and men do actually struggle with lust and we don’t want to add shame to the narrative. However, we do want to EMPOWER men to get help. Because men, IT IS POSSIBLE to seek self-control.
  • Instead of perpetuating a narrative that “men can’t control themselves” and women should cover up…we should instead empower men that they have the Holy Spirit within them, and God CREATED them to powerfully partner with Him to exercise self-control.
  • THIS is what God tells us! He tells us He has overcome the world! He tells us With the power of the Holy Spirit we are no longer slaves to sin.


  • MAJOR Q: Is modest REALLY hottest? Where does this leave us with MODESTY?
  • Can we teach MODESTY in a biblical, healthy way? Or do we really have to throw the baby out the bathwater?
  • I truly believe there is a way to respect yourself and, more importantly, glorify GOD in what you wear.
  • And yet, I believe the motivation should be completely void of a woman hiding her body for the sake of mitigating lust for a man, especially if we are doing the first two things WELL.
  • Is there any room for setting up the other side for success? 

Unhealthy Modesty Teachings

  • It begins at a VERY young age. WE live in a world saturated with women who are hyper-sexualized as children.
  • Disney>>perfect Disney princesses, Barbies with smaller than realistic waistlines, gigantic sparkly eyes, and perfect silky hair starts reinforcing completely unrealistic beauty standards.
  • YOUTH GROUP MESSAGE-perpetuating girls to wear baggy clothes and cover up
  • If our modesty motivation focuses on mitigating male lust, these are natural responses we have seen in women afterwards: It can make women believe their bodies are sexually defined. It can make women feel completely shut down to their sexual desire. It can make women feel completely disconnected from their bodies from an emotional, physical and spiritual point of view. It can lead to lower levels of sexual satisfaction in marriage. It can lead women to blame themselves for encounters with men where lines were crossed. 


  • Okay…. but what’s the answer? Should we just wear whatever we want ALL the time? Just a chaotic, free-for-all?!
  • NO! We don’t believe going to the extreme opposite side is the answer.
  • As believers, we all represent JESUS. Jesus did not give us a checklist for modesty. He didn’t say to not wear bathing suits. 
  • Phylicia Masonheimer has great teachings on this. 
  • The Pharisees became so encompassed with the law, and with the rules that they forgot Who the words came from and for what they were meant.
  • Jesus' work reinstated the SPIRIT OF THE LAW- revealing that grace is the motive to obedience. 
  • BUT, grace does NOT mean absence of the law.
  • “Being a woman under grace gives me a freedom: a freedom to choose. I now have the freedom to choose to represent holy behavior, or to choose to live below my calling.  This applies to my gossip habit, to my closet, and to any temptation before me and before you. Just because I am saved by grace does not remove the responsibility of honor from my name as a woman of God.  Dressing modestly is a part of that.” - Phylicia Masonheimer
  • Overall, Modest= Humility
  • 1 Peter 3:3-4– “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.” An EXTERNAL adorning actually refers to social or financial immodesty– meaning, the women at this time were really SHOWY, flashy and fashionable. However, Peter does not forbid being fashionable; the verse is translated ‘do not let your adornment be merely external’. Peter directs women from hyper focusing on what is fashionable to instead focus on the ‘hidden person of the heart’. Lydia in Acts 16 AND The proverbs 31 woman both wore BEAUTIFUL and bright clothing. 
  • Romans 15 says “We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the WEAK, and not to please ourselves. 2 Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” CONTEXT- The WEAKER BROTHER, Refers to whoever is LESS spiritually mature. SO, if a man who is a strong Christian sees a woman and is drawn to lust… HE on his own is responsible to “cut out his eye” as it says in Matthew 5… what he is NOT to do is blame the woman. Overally,  Modesty is not merely external… rather it is so internal! When women dress wisely- void of mitigating lust for a man, we are being motivated by the Spirit within us that motivates us to make changes in our dress and strive to be women who profess godliness without speaking a word. When you know you are unique, beautiful, special, loved by God… you truly have less of a desire to reveal yourself physically.. the desire to be know as unique, beautiful, special and accepted has been quenched by an ocean of God.
  • And to note-Women AND MEN are responsible to dress in a way that is humble and CONSIDERATE of others.
  • Modesty is not a list of rules, it is a spirit of the heart


  • Context of attire is SO important. You wouldn’t wear a string bikini to Target- right? If you were going to go hiking, you wouldn’t wear a DRESS or a SUIT right?

Modesty Questions to Consider

  • When you choose what to wear, what goes into those decisions? Do you think about how others will validate you in that outfit? What you are seeking? Do you think about how you’re honoring yourself well?
  • Do you find yourself filled with confidence without needing validation from others?
  • Or do you dress in such a way to draw attention?
  • How are your internal belief systems shaping how you are showing up and even dressing in the world?

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Kait Warman

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Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018. 

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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