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Cole and Caitlin Zick join Kait to discuss sexual shame and how toxic purity culture has aided in that.
Who are Cole and Caitlin Zick?!
Could you tell us about the start of Moral Revolution?
In TYFRM I wrote a chapter titled “Never Have I Ever” talked about the toxic purity culture and the shame of sexual sin in the church. Do you believe we put that sin on a pedestal vs. other sin? What is problematic about the purity culture?
How do we share about a sexual past within relationship and not shame them further?
What would you tell someone who is struggling with sexual shame?
What is your final nugget of dating advice?
Hi fam!! We’re still bringing you some throwback episodes while we’re on a break and gearing up for SEASON 11 of the podcast! On today's episode, Caitlin, Cole, and Kait discuss sexual shame and how toxic purity culture has aided in that. They also discuss having a healthy perception of sex and purity.
Cole and Caitlin Zick have been married and in ministry together for SEVENTEEN years. They currently serve as the directors of Moral Revolution in Redding, California. They have a deep desire to see the church thriving and working together to be effective. As a couple, they have made sexuality a key focus of their ministry as they share their story very openly and vulnerably hoping to see others find freedom through it. They created four children in five years, which gives insight into their love for chaos.
In this episode we also talk about WHEN to share with someone about your sexual past!
Another thing I LOVE that they say is this, “You have to uproot the lies and pain from your past so you can be a healthy, whole person. You have to know yourself the way God knows you.”
Moral Revolution was actually started by Chris Valentin. He actually wrote a book called Sexual Revolution and that morphed into Moral Revolution. Caitlin and Cole are technically the 4th directors and they LOVE doing this! The focus is telling the world a BETTER story about SEX (AMEN!!!). They create teaching about God’s design for sex. Which we think is SO cool!!
Cole explains that he was actually raised in a home where his parents truly focused on his relationship with God FIRST before the “rules of christianity.” His mom would always say when he was leaving the house, “remember who you are and whose you are.” (We love this!!!)
Placing such a high importance on sexual sin vs. any other sin has really hindered people from seeing sex for what God orgionally designed it to be (beautiful).
Caitlin wasn’t raised in the church so her upbringing was very different from Cole’s. When she did did enter the church, she started consuming alllll the purity culture books and there were SO many DIFFERENT opinions happening in those books y’all!
Caitlin hits the nail on the head when she says that purity culture really labeled sex as BAD and that itself is PROBLEMATIC! Sex was created by GOD, it’s not a dirty thing! Purity culture made virginity the prize and that’s not true! Cole often says, virginity is not purity, it’s the FRUIT of purity! We are meant to CELEBRATE sex for what God intended it for!
When Cole was trying to understand the Father’s heart of calling us to be HOLY in 1 Peter. So often when we think about being holy we realized how UNHOLY we are, and that creates SHAME. When Cole was really seeking to understand, God gave him this sentence, “In our fight against legalism, which we do need to fight against, we CANNOT sacrifice OBEDIENCE.”
The challenge around purity really does become RULES without RELATIONSHIP! Cole has found that very rarely, even IN the church, does someone have a really close and deep relationship with Jesus Christ.
For Cole, he was TAUGHT the truth, but not FORCED to live it out, he had to DECIDE to, and that made all the difference for him!
It’s so important to have a SAFE place to share sin and mistakes with people who will give you GRACE and point you back to Jesus.
Shame makes you believe you’re stuck. It makes you feel like you are a mistake and stuck in a spiral. The devil wants you to be stuck and believe lies. When leaders are scared, they try to control…woah! Cole said it best, “Whenever you’re leading out of the fruit of the demonic realm instead of the fruit of the spirit, the results are going to end with shame.”
Caitlin shares her story about how she shared her sexual past with a leader and was met with so much GRACE! The healthiest route to sharing sexual pasts with your boyfriend/girlfriend is for each person to be totally willing and ready to share anything once you realize you’re probably going to marry that person. They’re both mentally and emotionally ready to get married. What Cole and Caitlin find, is that in a healthy, God led relationship, most often it’s not necessary to have this conversation. Cole had a whole mic drop moment from around 30:50 - 33:45 go listen RIGHT NOW!!!
Caitlin talks about her story and how she felt “taunted” by shameful moments of her past. She found that what was hidden was haunting her and she had to bring it to the light! She went over to her mentor’s house at 1am (which btw was Cole’s MOM!!!) and confessed everything she could think of, and in those moments the devil lost his power. James 5:16, NIV: "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
Shame is rooted in the fear of man. It’s rooted in the NEED to be in good standing with people. Cole’s mom taught him and his siblings to not care what other people think and to not do things just because other people are. Seek the Lord in BURNING out the fear of man! Sometimes our fear is self-induced by what we THINK others are going to THINK!
Cole’s final nugget of dating advice is that it is ABSOLUTELY worth it to make God the number one priority in your dating life! Seek the heart of God and pursing that, and worshiping with your life. Caitlin’s final nugget of dating advice is knowing yourself. It is so important to know and see yourself the way God does. You have to uproot the lies and pain from your past so you can be a healthy, whole person. You have to know yourself the way God knows you.
Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.
Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.
Cole and Caitlin Zick have been married and in ministry together for SEVENTEEN years. They currently serve as the directors of Moral Revolution in Redding, California. They have a deep desire to see the church thriving and working together to be effective. As a couple, they have made sexuality a key focus of their ministry as they share their story very openly and vulnerably hoping to see others find freedom through it. They created four children in five years, which gives insight into their love for chaos.
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