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The #1 Green Flags to look for in Christian Dating

with

Kait and JJ Tomlin

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On today’s episode Kait and JJ talk through green flags as we wrap up season 11 on red flags. We’re talking communication, healing, friendship, and more! 

Introduction

Hey fammmm welcome back to the Heart of Dating Podcast with Kait and JJ! We’re so pumped you’re joining us today because this is our season finaleeeee episode! We’ve spent the last few months talking about all kinds of red flags. We’ve tackled some really tough topics this season like lack of vision, laziness, dating potential, and emotional abuse. It’s our hope and prayer that this season has helped equip you better as you go into dating and are evaluating someone. 

Today we’re switching it up a little and it is going to be fun!!! We’ve already talked about all the red flags so we’re going to wrap up this season with some GREEN FLAGS to look for!!! 

Green Flags

A green flag is a sign that this is good, however it still means you need more information. Just because you see 3 or 4 green flags does not mean that you’re getting married in the next 3 months. (LOL we don’t recommend this EVER). Green flags are not a reason to start wearing rose colored glasses because that’s how you miss red flags. Just because there are green flags doesn’t mean that there are no red flags. Remember, this is all evaluation. 

Deeply loves the Lord / Godliness

This isn’t just going to church. A green flag is not having to guess where they’re at spiritually because you can tell in the way they talk about Him and live their life. If you see that you’re just starting to date and you’re automatically 3rd or 4th on the priority list behind God, family, career, this is a good thing and a green flag! 

Good Communication

Good communication is a green flag! We’re going to be specific here because people have different communication styles. It’s a green flag if they’re specifically communicating plans BEFORE the date. Not an hour before. Ideally this is 24 hours in advance, they’re confirming and sharing plans. This is mainly something the ladies will be looking for in the guys. Guys, you’re looking more for a timely response. This doesn’t mean you text them and if they don’t respond in 5 minutes they’re a bad communicator. This means that you’ve asked them a question and it doesn’t take them 5 business days to get back to you with an answer, ideally. 

The next thing is that they’re not afraid to have hard conversations. This will probably come up with defining the relationship conversation or them telling you their intentions. They’re not just having the conversations, but they’re also clear in these conversations and being honest even if it’s not what you want to hear. 

Consistency is huge here. Whatever you start out doing, keep that pace up. If you text them every single morning then you need to keep that up. If you’re not going to be able to keep up with texting them throughout the day then don’t start that to begin with. You want to be consistent. 

Healing

They have done a level of healing in their life. Ideally, they go to therapy consistently. They’re not someone who thinks they don’t need therapy. They may have had a great childhood, but they are not naive to the fact that triggers and small trauma still come up. You don’t go to therapy to handle a single situation, you go consistently. Inner healing, shadow work, etc. all are also forms of therapy. 

Subcategories of healing to look for. 

  • They don’t talk poorly of their past. 
  • They aren’t a victim of their past and instead talk about what THEY learned from past experiences/relationships. 

Friendships

If they have deep and solid friendships this is a huge green flag. This doesn’t mean they need a ton of friends but more so how deep they are. It also isn’t about how LONG you’ve had the friendship, it’s about how deep the friendship is. Are friendships a priority in their life? They’re consistently meeting with them and doing life together. 

Look at who their friends are. This is kind of a weird question, but, would you date any of their friends (character-wise)? That is a good test to see if they are a solid person of character. 

Tim Keller always said that if they do friendship well that’s a great precursor to how well they’ll do in marriage 

Boundaries

Boundaries are HUGE! This is a green flag for sure if they do well in these three categories. They honor boundaries, respect boundaries, and set boundaries. They not only honor and respect your boundaries, but they also set boundaries for themselves. They have their own boundaries, emotionally, spiritually, physically and they’re able to communicate them clearly! This goes for both men and women. 

Counsel, Ownership, and Growth

Seventeen times in Proverbs it says that God speaks through WISE counsel. This is a HUGE green flag if they have it. If they’re actively seeking counsel and accountability then that’s a great green flag. This can be hard, but you have to seek this with tenacity. 

This is huge. This does tie into the healing with therapy and counsel. If someone can take ownership even if it’s 1% this is a green flag. 

Rapid Fire

Kait: 

  • Organized but NOT OCD 
  • Clean 
  • Hygiene 
  • Super close to their family - can go both ways 
  • Being kind to anyone who’s serving them 
  • Who they don’t follow 
  • Opens doors for you 

JJ: 

  • Animal lover
  • Punctual 
  • Encouraging 
  • Doesn’t cake on makeup 
  • Modesty 
  • They challenge you in healthy Godly ways

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Kait Tomlin

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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.


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