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Dating Multiple People as a Christian

with

Kait & JJ Tomlin

Join Kait and JJ as they talk about the hot topic of dating multiple people as a Christian. Learn who dating multiple people is for, and some top questions.

What is Dating?

  • Because dating is NOT explicitly in the bible, everyone has therefore made up their own set of rules on dating. Those 'rules' end up being based on influences from their personal cultural experiences, local church community, pastoral teaching, real-life examples around them, thought leaders they listen to, and friends. Chances are they may go on a date with another Christian who has a completely DIFFERENT set of 'rules' and way to 'date the right way'. So everyone is out here in the Christian dating world writing their own playbook on how to 'date the right way', but no one's playbooks are aligned!
  • One thing that TRANSFORMED Kait’s view on dating was getting really clear on the stages that led from singleness to marriage. She believes the stages are singleness - DATING - Relationship - Engaged - Married.

What is the Dating Stage?

  • DEFINTION-Dating stage is a time when you go on dates and build FRIENDSHIP with another man or woman of God who is of interest to you. 
  • On each date in the dating phase, the goal is to take it ONE date at a time as you approach the other person with curiosity. 
  • The point of the dating phase is ultimately to see (through TIME) if you want to be in a RELATIONSHIP with the person you are building friendship and going on dates with. 
  • Instead of the ridiculously high stakes, “will-I-marry-this-person” mentality, the dating phase should be paced with WISDOM. In Kait’s definition, it's a low-pressure, low-stakes means of getting to know someone on a friendship level BEFORE you commit to pursuing a deep romantic connection in a relationship.
  • We believe that you can have intentionality, honor, and integrity in the dating phase without explicitly sizing up a person for marriage.

Kait’s 90 day Dating Challenge

  • If you know anything about Kait’s story of how she met JJ... she was in the middle of doing a dating challenge inspired by Dr. Henry Cloud. She challenged herself to go on DATES with different people for a period of time. 
  • In the past, she had a history of committing TOO SOON to people on a relationship level before she truly know enough about them to know if they were someone she should be giving her heart to. For her, it was a WISE decision (made within community and counsel), to do a 3-month nonexclusive dating challenge.
  • She challenged myself to go on dates with multiple people for a period of 90 days. In this challenge, she would go on roughly one date a week with each man. The point of these dates was not to build intimacy with each different guy, but to remain CURIOUS about them and get to know them on a friendship level.
  • Anyone can pretend to be anything for about 90 days. That's why it's so common to get into a RELATIONSHIP with a version of a person which really doesn't exist. And that's why it's also easy to miss RED FLAGS in the early stages of dating.
  • This challenge allowed Kait to see each guy THROUGH TIME. And here's the interesting thing: around the 45-day mark, a skater punk dude with blue hair who was 5.5 years YOUNGER than her really started to stand out…. IT WAS JJ. LOL
  •  At first JJ wasn't her "type", but because she was doing this challenge she was OPEN to dating the unexpected. Through going on dates she began to see how consistent he was, how safe he was, and how strong his character was.

Why We Like Dating Multiple People

  • Kait found dating multiple people in this context to be so TRANSFORMATIVE to her dating life. It is ultimately this challenge and the mindset she had with it that led her to meeting JJ and building a foundation for the healthy marriage she had always desired. Having the mindset of getting to know someone through time without RUSHING the process allowed her to make a sound decision without all the deep feelings overriding me and without committing to the wrong person for me too early.
  • Throughout this process, she journaled after every date. She noted what she was feeling. She brought in trusted people in her inner circle to process through the dates. She invited God into the depths of her thoughts and feelings and allowed HIM to ultimately guide the process of discernment and curiosity.
  • Disclaimer: This is a process and a journey you can go on while also HONORING the people in front of you and approaching every date/interaction with the utmost INTEGRITY.

Who is it for?

  • If you commit TOO early in dating.
  • If you put SO much pressure on dating and NEVER end up dating ANYONE. 

It’s NOT for everyone.

  • We KNOW this kind of approach to dating is not for everyone. But for the person who is like the person Kait was. . .The person who finds themselves over-committing too soon...The person who was giving her heart away too early on...The person who was left disappointed, confused and hurt over and over again... this could be a win.
  • This approach to dating changed Kait’s life, literally. It was healing and it was challenging. It was freeing and it was stretching. And it led her to exactly what God has for her... her HUSBAND.

Top Questions

  • How many people should you date? There's not a hard and fast number here, rather you have to KNOW yourself and know what you can manage while remaining honoring and maintaining integrity.
  • How to balance time and energy? Keep a steady PACE. Time is your best friend. Ideally, set a boundary of one date a week with them. Similarly, balance how much you communicate with them in between. Keep it even and fair between people as best as possible.
  • Where do I even find ONE person to date, let alone multiple? This is a GREAT question! Here are some of our most suggested places to meet amazing Christian Singles! Your Church community, Other Church communities/ events, Volunteer for a faith-based Nonprofit, Ask for a setup from a trusted friend, ONLINE (social media or a dating app). 
  • What if the other person is unsure about it? This is always a possibility, which is why you have to be clear and firm on YOUR why. Validate them and share with them your desire to be fair, honest, and honoring in the process. At the end of the day, remember that your character will shine over time. 
  • How to let them know it's nonexclusive? Let them know ideally right away. Be OPEN in communicating your WHY with them. When Kait did this, she would kindly let the men she was dating know she did this because in the past she had a tendency to overcommit early on and she is practicing being wiser in my pace.
  • What about PDA with them? What are YOUR physical boundaries? Check-in with God on these. We recommend holding off on kissing until exclusivity.
  • Is it emotional infidelity? Not if you are being open and honest with the people you are dating in the process. Part of this process is knowing YOUR limits! You need to know what things you are comfortable with sharing and who you are sharing it with. You might not be on the same emotional level with every person you are dating and that is OKAY.
  • How to guard yourself emotionally in this process? We recommend keeping a journal and documenting how you feel around the person on each date. Pay attention to how YOU are feeling in your body on the dates and with what you share! If you tend to get ahead of yourself ask yourself "What do I NOT know about this person yet?"

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Kait Warman

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Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018. 

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.


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