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Dating a New, Lukewarm, or Non-Christian


Kait and JJ Tomlin

Kait and JJ bring on Caden Fabrizio to talk about dating a new, lukewarm, or non-Christian. 


What is UP Heart of Dating fam?! We are BACK with our second episode of the Red Flags season, Datinga NEW, LUKEWARM, or NON-CHRISTIAN! This is a hottttt topic and we’re so excited to dive into this with the one and only….CADEN FABRIZIO! 

Dating a NEW Christian

Let’s set the scene, someone comes to a YONA night, or HODC and they encounter God, WILDLY! Then, they accept Jesus and are on FIRE for Jesus. It truly is the JOY of Salvation like David refers to in the Psalms - we see that in their life! 

So…now I’ve been a christian for 20, 15, 10 years and I notice them. Would you date them? 

Caden, is there a rule you have for yourself about dating a NEW Christian? 

Caden wouldn’t NOT date them, he would evaluate their FRUIT in their life! Look at where they’re headed. Are you in church? Are you in the word daily? Have you had to cut off friendships? 

The difference between a “christian” and a “Christ Follower” is someone seeking the heart of Jesus. This is HUGE and you CAN see this in someone’s life! We can label ourselves a christian from one crazy experience but are you intentionally seeking the Jesus? Going where He goes and walking in step with the Holy Spirit? What is the fruit in your life? What is the pursuit of Jesus? Where are you headed? And is where you’re going, somewhere I want to go with you? 

The reality is that when you date and when you marry, you’re marrying their GROWTH RATE and your data is how long you’ve known them. Unfortunately, the length of someone being a Christian does not equate to spritual maturity. HOWEVER, it CAN equate to a religious spirit. They can know how to look and talk like a christian but it’s never permenated their heart. 

Dating a LUKEWARM Christian

Francis Chan talks about 7 signs of a Lukewarm Christian in his book, CRAZY LOVE. 

  1. They want to be saved from consequences of their sin. Basically, they want a fire escape plan. They have no desire for HOLINESS. 
  2. They are MOVED by radical things for Christ but don’t DO radical things for christ themselves.
  3. Rarely share their faith with their neighbors or friends because they don’t want to be rejected. 
  4. They think about earth more than eternity. 
  5. They love their luxuries and rarely give to the poor in a truly sacrificial way.
  6. They don’t live by faith, their lives are so structure so they never have to. Their lists are perfect SO when God calls them to do something they can’t do it because it doesn’t fit in with their “plan.”
  7. They give God their leftovers, not their first and best

When it comes to dating, it’s hard because while we’re trying to figure out if someone is lukewarm, it feels like there’s a little bit of judging their lifestyle if you don’t know them previously. So, are we judging them if we label them lukewarm? 

Caden, thinks there is healthy judgement here. Matthew 7 talks about knowing a tree by it’s FRUIT. When it comes to dating, you should be watching and evaluating actions. Having fruit coming off of their life is IMPORANT for a Christian. Don’t judge with your nose stuck up in the air, but measure and evaluate the fruit in their life. 

This evaluation is LESS about checklist items like attending church every week and leading a bible study. It’s MORE about their integrity and character. 

Matthew 7:21-23 “On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.” It’s very clear I can’t ONLY look at your actions, your fruit, and what’s great about your ministry to evlautate your heart. What I CAN look at is how you RESPOND and REPENT to failure. 

How are they talking about Jesus? Gary Thomas says, “If they aren’t talking bout God, they’re probably not talking TO Jesus.” 

Dating a NON Christian

Why do people do this? Many women make the case that they get pursued even better and more consistently by nonchristians and that they communicate better. On the flipside, many men date nonchristians because they are incredibly attracted to them physically. 

A lot of times if you end up dating someone who is lukewarm or a non-christian they often end up pulling you down to their level or become a weight that doesn’t allow you to ascend in your relationship with Jesus. 

It’s the same for the new Christian, lukewarm Christian, and non-Christian, equally yoked is the best analogy you could ever think of. 

Relationships are HARD and adding pastor responsibilities to that is sooo hard. This also creates the perfect recipe for codependency. 

If you go on a date with someone from ONLINE and they end up NOT being a christian, use it as an opporunity to leave them better than you found them! We don’t recommend dating a non-Christian, but you can be FRIENDS with non-Christians. 

Overall, we want to drive home the point that being equally yoked is the post imporant when it comes to dating a new, lukewarm, or non-Christian. 

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Kait Tomlin

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Kait Tomlin is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018.

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area with her husband JJ and their pups Lovey and Teddy. She loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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Caden Fabrizio

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Caden is the Executive Director of YONA, The host of the QUESTIONS WITH CADEN Podcast, speaker,

and faith based content creator from Los Angeles, CA. His passion is to encourage this generation to live their best, most fulfilled, life by walking closely with Jesus. His message is simple: “Jesus can offer you freedom and fullness.” This passion to see his generation and the next experience freedom and fullness through a relationship with jesus drives him in all he does.

Caden has a bachelors degree in business from Azusa Pacific and a Masters degree in Christian Ministry from Liberty University Theological Seminary.

You can often find Caden golfing or hanging with friends. Nothing means more to him than Jesus, his family and his friends.

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