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Removing Shame & Restoring the Relationship With Yourself


Abi & Justin Stumvoll

​​Heart of Dating welcomes Justin and Abi Stumvoll to the podcast! Justin is a nationally sought-after speaker and life consultant. He has spent over a decade facilitating emotional healing in the lives of thousands of individuals and training others to do the same. His dream is to redefine love in practical and empowering ways. He is the author of The Tree of Life and co-hosts The Connected Life, an international podcast focused on healing the human soul, with his wife and best friend Abi. 

Abi travels the worlds speaking and teaching others how to encounter unconditional love and live fully alive. When she was 12 years old she prayed "God, if you can teach me how to love myself, I will change the world". This simple prayer ignited her adventure of uncovering the power of love. Throughout her journey she has seen love conquer the fear and torment that once seemed impossible to overcome. ​​

Both Abi and Justin run a life consulting business  together where they meet with clients and train others to do the same. ​​

Could you share a bit of who you are, your passions and what you do!

  • Abi and Justin have been married for 11, Justin calls their relationship “a happy mess”.
  • They both grew up in dysfunctional families and came to through their relationship through wounds and some brokenness.
  • They ended up getting married really fast after dating and ended up traveling the United States for their first 6 months of marriage. 
  • Overtime they started a business of life coaching and began making courses. 
  • If I didn't dig in and start facing my biggest fears no matter what it cost me, it was going to actually cost me my marriage and relationships. I dove head first into transformation.
  • “God, I want to face all my greatest fears because I know fear is a gateway between me and the destiny of who I’m created to be. If we want to fullness of who we are, we have to face fear, pass through it, and on the other side of it is who God intended us to be”- Justin
  • Love can be real even if you’ve never experienced it before-Abi

Could you share a bit of your backgrounds?

  • Justin grew up in a Christian home but not a healthy one. 
  • In his home there was emotional abuse between his parents and he grew up in a toxic church environment.
  • By college he cried out to God and was just done with the fake Christianitiy. 
  • Abi also grew up in a Christian home.
  • She went through a heavy season of self-hatred, depression, anxiety, etc. growing up.
  • Abi said she felt she grew up feeling so broken and felt she had nothing to give the world.

Could you talk about the journey of learning to love yourself?

  • The journey of learning to love yourself is a long journey.
  • “The journey of loving ourselves and finding healing is one in getting into a posture of compassion into this other human being that just needs love. We’ve dehumanized the person in the mirror and it’s not until we humanize them that we can fully buy into this journey of love and restoration towards oneself”
  • When you’re feeling lonely or abandoned, it may be that you’ve lost that relationship with yourself. There may be a brokenness within.
  • Be weary of being abusive to yourself. 
  • “A lot of people don’t have the capacity to feel God’s love. The reason you can’t feel God’s love is because your not being willing to reflect the father's love upon yourself”
  • “We have to become a mirror reflection of heaven’s heart towards ourselves”

What advice would you give someone who’s ashamed of dealing with things from their past or their “emotional bullies”?

  • People are motivated by what they define as pain.
  • Look through your life and see what shame is stealing from you. 
  • Shame and fear and other emotional bullies are going to lie to you to make you think they’re protecting you. 
  • If you don’t handle these things, it’ll affect your dating life because you’ll only attract the love you think you're deserving of.
  • The truth is, love is terrifying for most of our souls.
  • “If you can build a history for saying yes to love, then you don’t have to run away in dating when real love shows up”
  • How can someone else love you if you don’t truly love you?
  • “You have to go on a journey of figuring out who you are and owning it.” -Abi

What would you tell someone who feels they need to be in a relationship to feel complete?

  • Abi and Justin share about how they actually broke up and it was the best thing because Abi was using her relationship to fill a void.
  • They talk about preferring a “performance” love, and feeling you need to be everything you think the other person needs.
  • No person is going to “entertain” you for the rest of your life, you need to be able to fully love yourself first.
  • Be wary of being self-serving in a relationship. Don’t just look for what you think you need.

Should you avoid someone who has a dysfunctional family history or childhood trauma?

  • The majority of people have a difficult past. What you truly need to look for is someone who has a good work ethic. This means both in the workplace but also in themselves. 
  • Date someone who is always working on themselves through mentorship or therapy. Be wary of those who think they have it all together.
  •  If you date someone who has a heavy history, it will also grow you.

What is your final nugget of dating advice?

  • Don’t be desperate and love your life regardless of your relationship status.
  • Learn to be present in the process. You’re not promised tomorrow so be present in today.

Other Resources:

Follow Abi and Justin on Instagram HERE

Find out about their Living Fully Alive Course HERE

Listen to their podcast The Connected Life HERE

Find out about their course the Father Series HERE

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