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THE ENNEAGRAM!! Relationships with Each Type

with

Elisabeth & Peter Bennett

Today we invited Peter and Elisabeth Bennett from the ever growing instagram account enneagram.life on the podcast.

Peter is an Enneagram 1 and Elisabeth is an Enneagram 4! Together they live for Jesus in the beautiful PNW and they have been together for 5 years, married for 3 years, and have an almost 1 year old son. After learning about the Enneagram 2 years ago, Elisabeth read basically everything she can get her hands on and now Peter and Elisabeth have found the Enneagram to be an amazingly useful tool in marriage, work, and everyday life.

Now they head up the instagram @enneagram.life which has grown TONS since its inception in the fall of 2018.

They are working on fun projects in the future, so STAY TUNED.

Today we talk about types in relationship. We talk about each types tendencies as well as how we can best LOVE each type. We even talk about ideal DATE IDEAS for each type so trust me it is a ton of fun! Get ready for some enneagram amazingness!

What is the Enneagram?

  • It is an ancient personality typing system. It is a circle with 9 points that has a number or a ‘type”. There are 9 different types to the Enneagram.
  • What makes them different is that it is SO much easier to keep track of than something like Myers Briggs. There are 16 types with 4 different letters on Myers Briggs, meanwhile there are 9 types with normal words on the Enneagram which makes it MUCH easier to remember.

What are your favorite Enneagram resources to recommend for people?

Can you give a brief rundown of each type and their tendency in relationships?

  • 1- Perfectionist: They will want to date the RIGHT way. They might be more intense as first, but it becomes more relaxed over time.
  • 2- Helper: They will want to know how to love you well and want to take care of you. Make sure you don’t take advantage of them!
  • 3- Achiever: They like to get stuff done and for relationships that means planning and goal setting, so although this might take some types off guard at first you will ALWAYS know where the 3 stands in the relationship which is gold.
  • 4- The Romantic: 2 levels: quiet moody OR oversharing. They can be a lot to handle right off the bat. If you can stick in there and get past that initial phase, they become super loyal.
  • 5- Observers: Deep conversationalists that have a HUGE wealth of knowledge and are typically more introverted. They are highly practical and sometimes struggle in the romantic sense or to express their emotions.
  • 6- Loyalists: They take a LOT of time to review your character in a relationship setting. They want to see that what you SAY is also what you DO before going all in. Once they DO trust you, they are the most loyal number on the Enneagram.
  • 7- Enthusiast: Full of PLANS and adventure for FUN which carries over into dating. They are fun but also much deeper than they appear!
  • 8- Challengers: They have a confidence and an intensity that if you can win their affection you might earn their trust and see a more vulnerable side which might take a bit of time.
  • 9- Peacemakers: They have a unique ability to merge with the feelings of others. They seem to care about everything YOU do. In a relationship you need to give them SPACE and a lot of options so they feel respected.

Are there any ideal pairings?

  • Elisabeth and Peter do not think there are truly ideal pairings! “if you don’t want to be with someone who is insensitive, you most likely won’t be with someone who is!"
  • “Any healthy enneagram partner is going to make a great person to be in relationship with."

How do you feel in relationship each type receives LOVE best?

  • Type 1- Feel loved when you acknowledge the work they do and how they do things the right way. They feel loved when you respect their RULES.
  • Type 2- Any sort of love they LOVE it. They want ALL 5 love languages.
  • Type 3- Feel loved when you acknowledge their productivity and you give them LOTS of praise. Words of affirmation is HUGE.
  • Type 4- They feel loved when you acknowledge their DEPTH. Ask them to tell you more!
  • Type 5- Feel really loved when you give them space and you appreciate what they bring to the world. They don’t like when you push them out of what they are comfortable in.
  • Type 6- Feel really loved when you do not discount their anxieties and fears. Be there with them IN their fears and show empathy. This is how you can remain someone worthy of their loyalty.
  • Type 7- Feel loved when you appreciate their adventurous and fun loving personality and when you have FUN with them. Go along with what they plan next!
  • Type 8- Feel loved by respecting them by being VERY straightforward with them and giving them space when they are asking for it.
  • Type 9-Feel loved when you remember the little things that you like and when you make them feel valued.

How has the enneagram helped YOU guys in marriage?

  • It has helped Elisabeth and Peter with so much COMPASSION and understanding of the other person.
  • It is one of the most helpful tool to help you realize that not everyone thinks the same way that you do. We sometimes assume people have the same motivations as we do, but that is not always the case!

How do you better handle conflict now with an understanding of the Enneagram?

  • They usually go back to the tool to find the disconnect which allows them to put out the conflict before it downward spirals. So with Peter as a 1 and Elisabeth as a 4 they can say “you are motivated by being good and I am motivated by being unique… what is the disconnect? What are we missing?”

How has it helped you with COMPASSION?

  • Every type has at least one other type that they do not understand. When you encounter that type it can be REALLY frustrating because you really do not understand why they do what they do.
  • Elisabeth recommends to read about ALL the types, not just your type.
  • When you go into studying other types, you can start developing empathy for WHY that person reacts or thinks the way that they do.
  • In some cases, if someone is really driving you mad, it could likely be that they are just a really unhealthy version of their number.
  • Through CHRIST you can pray for them and have grace with them.

What would be the DREAM ideal date for each Enneagram type?

  • Type 1-Do something that gets them to have FUN! Organize something that allows them to have a little fun
  • Type 2- Tell them you are surprising them. Treat them. Do not them do ANY of the planning or cooking!
  • Type 3-A private date- cook dinner at home and watch a movie. They won’t be temped to perform in this environment.
  • Type 4-Give them an opportunity to have a deep conversation. Ask good questions. Give them a follow up reassuring text after the date!
  • Type 5-Do something WHILE talking. IE Bowling or playing a game. Does not allow for as many awkward silences.
  • Type 6-Don’t surprise them. They want to research where you are going and they’d like a contingency plan.
  • Type 7-Let them take over the planning because they want to plan something that is PACKED WITH FUN! All the fun things.
  • Type 8-Know your mind and assert your opinions. So if they have an idea for a date and you don’t like it, let them know!
  • Type 9-It feels caring to them if you take THEM into consideration with the date planning. Do they love history or art? Do they have allergies? Pay attention to what matters to them most!

What is your final nugget of dating advice?

  • Serve at your local church, when you cultivate that community a LOT of doors can open up romantically. So get out there and SERVE!

Other Resources:

Enneagram Life Instagram

TAKE THE ENNEAGRAM TEST: yourenneagramcoach.com AND enneagraminstitute.com to take the in depth, RHETI test.

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