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Selfishness is Destroying Relationships...This Is Why!

with

Jason Ballard

Today Kait invited her new friend and FELLOW Canadian, Jason Ballard onto Heart of Dating for an incredible, deeply inspiring conversation about selfishness and and physical boundaries.

Jason is one of the hosts of the Alpha Youth Series and a pastor at his home church, Christian Life Assembly in CANADA, eh?! Jason lives in Langley, BC with his wife Rachael and his three kids. He loves preaching about Jesus, eating chocolate chip cookies and posting pictures of his kids on Instagram. Jason is a host on the Hidden City podcast and the Youth Ministry Team Podcast.

Y’all besides having an amazing accent, Jason is truly filled with such WISDOM. He is on the frontlines at his church dealing with the youth and their many troubles with dating and is constantly providing advice. He knows the main issues which is what spurred our conversation today on SELFISHNESS.

Kait and Jason start their conversation actually on the topic of SABBATH, and the importance of incorporating this rhythm of REST into your life as a spiritual discipline and sense of centering. If you are feeling ANXIOUS about the relationships you currently are navigating you need to focus on finding and seeking REST and time away so your mind can process. Use this time to pray pray pray pray. Quiet yourself enough to be able to hear what God is actually saying.

What are some of the biggest learnings you have from working with young adults?

  • Jason says he encourages everyone to enjoy EVERY stage of this season. There are unique things about this season that are UNIQUELY FUN.
  • In every season we are in we seem to idolize the season we are NOT in.
  • "We are always so eager to get to the next stage in relationship and life and we miss how uniquely GOOD the season we are in can be.” If you are single enjoy being single. If you are engaged ENJOY being engaged. If you are getting to know one another, ENJOY those times.
  • Right now we have the gifts of FREEDOM & Time and we need to
  • Take advice from people who have dated well or are dating WELL. We are not meant to do life ALONE without community. Looks at their life and where they are going and who they do life with.
  • Make sure you have ONE person that knows your ugly side!
  • Most of the problems in dating are not problems to be solved they are tensions to be managed.

How do we reconcile selfishness in relationships?

  • We are told OVER 1,000 times a day that we are the HERO and our NEEDS in this given moment will be satisfied. If you do THIS, if you buy THIS you will be happy.
  • This actually breaks a few fundamental human laws.
  • 1. Actually what you want in a given moment is not necessarily good for you long term. What it does to your soul is it makes you live in the immediate. And the BEST things in life always cost MORE.
  • 2. The next law that it breaks is that ACTUALLY we are TRULY at our best when we are serving and loving other people. The only way to really get the most out of the relationship is for it to NOW be about YOU alone.
  • We are at our BEST we are thinking about others over ourselves. Jesus talked about “when you lose yourself, that is when you really FIND yourself”.
  • What often happens is we like to fill our EMOTIONAL love tank. We want to get something from others even when we are not willing to pay for them. The reason for that is because we are constantly telling ourselves that we can look after our own needs and not consider how it impacts other people.
  • What happens when we are THIS selfish is that it actually impacts the entire church community. There IS a way to date where you can actually see that person again where it is NOT extremely awkward all the time.

How do we best have sacrificial love and CARE for people in our current cultural moment?

  • How can we LEAVE someone better than we found them?
  • "God is always more interested in WHO we are BECOMING” In this lens we can see every relationship is a way for God to actively work on WHO we are BECOMING.
  • Relationships are like a good doctor, they start to reveal things that are there that are really unhealthy. But typically as soon as we see any sign of that we MOVE ON from it imagining that the NEXT relationship will actually be the “perfect one” and it won’t cause any of this stuff to work out.
  • And even IF this person is not “the one” you have the opportunity to ask yourself the question… HOW can I become a better person THROUGH THIS?!
  • God is WAY more concerned with WHO we are becoming than what we do and what we accomplish in our lives. In this way dating become a form of DISCIPLESHIP. We are all being discipled in SOME way. When we are being disciples of Jesus we want to be more patient and loving and kind and selfless and there is nothing like an HONEST relationship to expose those element in our lives.

How do we manage selfishness in the area of physical boundaries?

  • What you have at 10 years 20 years 30 years is REALLY at the end of the day your friendship with that person.
  • You need to ask “at the end of the day are we truly FRIENDS?!”
  • Physical relationships really CLOUD the ability to actually evaluate the health of our friendship with the other person.
  • There are literal CHEMICALS that connect and can truly cloud whether you have a true friendship with the person.
  • You know you are in GOOD friendship when you are actually YOURSELF. If we dating with deep friendship in mind it would change our perspective.
  • Long term sexual fulfillment will be MORE built on the quality of your friendship over anything else.
  • The SOURCE of a long term spiritually fulfilling marriage is GOING to be a friendship.

If cultivating FRIENDSHIP is the priority, how do we prioritize the friendship, connection, and fun in the relationship?

  • Once you are married you are in a covenant. You need to prioritize connection in and throughout your relationship.
  • Sometimes it DOES feel like you are in a drab or boring season, bu
  • TAKING dedicated time in our rhythms to BE together. Going after the OTHER person’s heart and making intentional time with one another.
  • If we are just going through life together and never do deep conversations, we will find DURING our moments of isolated time together so much stuff and tension will end up coming up!
  • Have a LONG term vision and making time on the weekly and on the regular to go out and have fun and have TIME together.
  • One thing to note that Jason said was: Don’t ever bank on the person ever changing in the future. You are getting the BEST version of them now.
  • AT THE END OF THE DAY THE BIGGEST COMPATIBILITY POINT IS A SHARED VISION!

What is your final nugget of dating advice?

  • There is a grace on your life to do the season you are in WELL.
  • If you are single LEAN into the power of God to be single WELL.
  • If you are dating LEAN into the power of God to date WELL.

Other Resources

Check out Alpha that Jason is a part of (we also love it!) HERE

Also check out Alpha Youth Series

Find Jason on Instagram HERE

Get the FREE 30 day Journey to Explore Disciplines HERE

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Jason Ballard

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