Bianca Olthoff is a POWERHOUSE of a woman, let us tell you!
Bianca is a speaker and pastor at The Father’s House, a church down in Orange Country. She moved down to the OC when she got married about 8 years and at the time worked alongside Christine Caine under the A21 organization, a global anti-human trafficking organization as well as helped to launch Propel Women. When she transitioned out of work there she launched a person initiative to help both male and female prisoners with resources and to tell them about who JESUS is.
She is married to a pastor currently and she has SUCH a passion for dating and relationships. Bianca believes that there ARE amazing ways we can use the Bible to establish incredible foundations for our dating relationships.
Today Kait and Bianca dive into the AWKWARDNESS and CLICHE’S of Christian Dating. They just talk about ALL THE THINGS. Literally all of them. This conversation is fun, light-hearted, and packed with wisdom.
DORT- Bianca’s word for Dating slash COURTING
What is YOUR story of Dating, Bianca?
- Bianca’s background is hispanic, and traditionally part of her cultural norm is to get married young and have a lot of kids. When she got to the age of 29 and was still single her family started to think “IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH BIANCA?!?!”
- You need to be ACTIVE in dating not PASSIVE?! If you DO end up marrying your postmaster or uber driver yall, LET US KNOW! 😉
- After a long time of putting it off, Bianca put out a E-Harmony profile. After getting her FIRST match whose occupation was “Keeper of the night”, Bianca could not have been more discouraged…
- Eventually she started getting so discouraged that she decided she was going to just stop online dating… but then as she went to delete one of her match emails, her curser accidentally opened it and it ended up being a guy who had BASIC, but amazing qualities.
- Bianca has a VDS- which stands for a Viable Dating Score. If a guy cannot store 3 points, not 300, but just 3.
- 1- LOVES JESUS. Now just know John 3:16, but does he have a true RELATIONSHIP with Jesus
- 2- Does he have a J-O-B?
- 3- Does a brother brush and flush his teeth? Bad breathe now, NO TEETH LATER…
- Needless to say, before she went on her first date with her know husband, Bianca decided to write her husband a LONG email telling him all the things she was looking for in a husband, and how she thought it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to go out with her anyway…. and he ended up responding saying “ No problem, it’s JUST coffee.”
What are some of the ways we as Christians RUIN potentially great relationships by just being plain awkward?
- First Bianca and Kait discuss hyper-spiritualizing: needing a word from god.
- Bianca brings up the story of RUTH and how RUTH was a woman who worked.
- We will NEVER be perfect. We need to get in our own fields and WORK and see who is running alongside of us.
- We do not need a sign from God before going on a first date. We need to relax.
- Bianca also says “KEEP IT CASUAL.” especially in the beginning.
- It’s WEIRD if YOU’RE WEIRD. SO, don’t be weird.
- Pass it forward with your recommendations.
- We don’t need to be a match with EVERY person, we just need to be a match with ONE person.
What are some general healthy dating practices you would recommend?
- Bianca recommends 4 basic things:
- 1. If you ask them out take initiative.
- 2.If you ask them out PLAN the date “If you take the initiative to ask someone out, then YOU take the initiative to plan it, too.” If you are going to take authority, take authority. Don’t make the first move then leave it to them to make it happen.
- 3. Keep the date less than 90 minutes. It is THIRST training. Make someone THIRSY for you...
- 4. Keep intimacy out of it. Holding hands and making out, keep it out for the beginning. This isn’t about being “prude” it’s about being WISE. You will get cloudy judgment.
- In terms of physical boundaries, you really JUST need to be on the same page with the person you are with.
- To help you even further, make sure you are keeping accountable with people who actually WILL keep you accountable… not people who will necessarily laugh it off with you… but who will really hold you to the boundaries you are trying to uphold.
- ALSO be careful with spiritual intimacy… you don’t want to go TOO far too quickly because that can also cloud your mind on what is truly good and how you should really see that person as well.
How do we sometimes BLAME God for why we don’t want to be with another person?
- “DO NOT USE GOD AS A SCAPEGOAT. You are done with the relationship, do not bring sweet baby Jesus into this."
- Bianca also says “Feelings are like FARTS. They are here for a second and sometimes they STINK.” Don’t be guided too heavily by your feelings.
- Instead say “I think you are amazing, you are just not the one for me.” And preferably give them SOME answer as to WHY.
- Don’t avoid the uncomfortable just because you are afraid of the conversation OR because you are afraid of how they will take it. You are only responsible for your graceful and loving delivery in TRUTH.
Now what about Attraction? What is the balance of it?
- We have two sides. Either we settle because we are lonely & distraught OR on the flip side we have a narrow view of attraction “Bible loving Victoria Secret model kind of a girl.”
- We should be looking for multiple kinds of love:
- AGAPE love Selfless kind of GOD love fora other person.
- EROS love: More the sexual attraction and romantic love
- PHILEA Love: Friendship love
- We should fall in love with the TOTALITY of who they are.
- Give the person 3 shots to see if you might be attracted to them. AKA Give it a 3 date rule! Because in fact YES, some of that CAN grow
- Bianca says that overall: HOLINESS IS HOT PEOPLE!
Now what the differences in personality?
- Bianca says there IS something to “opposites attract”.
- Bianca and her husband are like “chips and salsa”, very different, but AMAZING in so many ways.
- But though it is OKAY to be totally different, you do STILL need some commonalities: IE Faith, and MISSION, or even just general lifestyle.
- Also... Bianca and Kait both recommend the Enneagram for a good gauge of personalties. So go ahead and take the ENNEAGRAM test. You can do that HERE!
What is your final nugget of dating advice?
- Give yourself some GRACE. You will not have this perfectly figured out, you might hurt people and you might get hurt, but don't give up on love.
- Make sure you are open to criticism and open to change. Don't shy away from feedback or vulnerability.
- SELF CARE is NOT Selfish. Take care of yourself and invest in yourself.
Visit her church at The Fathers House
Find her on Instagram HERE
Find her church Instagram HERE
Find her website at www.biancaolthoff.com