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When to Walk Away


Kait and JJ Tomlin

Join Kait and JJ as they dive into when you should walk away and when it may be appropriate to stay. 

A Great Date Question

  • If you didn’t have to work, what would you do with your time? 

We want one thing for each of you listening.

  • We desire for each and every one of you to stand on the alter one day and obviously lost in romance. But just as importantly, we want each of you to look back at your dating history with humble confidence knowing that you made the RIGHT decision to walk away. Why is that? Because of the person and the joy set before the rest of your life. 
  • We want you to be able to walk away from the relationship now because there is something so much greater, so much more sanctifying and impactful in the kingdom ahead of you. 

Let’s talk girls

  • More often than not, I’d say we hear about women asking “when do i walk away” more often than men. Why? Because girls are more vocal about it.
  • There is a balance here ladies… between NOT settling and living in SCARCITY that you will not find someone else and hence resolving to the fact that maybe YOU can fix them… VERSUS having too high of expectations about the man you are dating and wanting someone near perfect (which spoiler doesn’t exist). 
  • You don’t want to marry potential. You want to marry someone accepting ALL of who you are right now, signing on for that for life. Granted of course they will change in some ways, but your desire to marry them should NOT be because… 1) It’s been so long and you don’t want to start over out of fear. 2) They are GOOD ENOUGH. 3) They are the first person that ever really pursued you. 4) You have resolved to the fact that it’s fine because YOU  can help them change. 5) You don’t know if there would be anything else out there for you.

Ultimately, it is hard to speak to EVERY situation so HERE are a few common, different examples that we thought of ranging from obvious to ambiguous of when the female should walk away from a man.

  • An abusive man: Spiritually, emotionally, physically… this is not a question of when.. It is a question of why have you not? What is keeping you? This needs to have happened yesterday.. right? But it doesn’t work like that does it? The reality is a victim will often come back 7 times before leaving for good. One of the best indicators for future abuse is the lack of kindness, genuine kindness. Not charm. Not infatuation, flattery, over the top compliments. Kindness. How do they treat people? Especially those who have nothing to offer them, unattractive people, hurt people. Do they have compassion in response to people hurting them? 
  • An emotionally immature man: You can only be as spiritually mature as you are emotionally mature. This one needs TIME to suss out- hence why we recommend 90 days before exclusivity. LADIES you need to asses “how do I feel around him?” Seriously- how do you FEEL? Do you feel like you are proving? You may have GREAT chemistry but constantly be in proving energy and that is NOT a good sign! I think this one is maybe the most underrated, overlooked buckets there are. Why? Because we build feelings and connections first, then we look to evaluate. Nobody is blatantly immature on first glance, nobody blatantly disrespects you on the first date. No, it always gradually surfaces over time. THAT is why it is so important to date in community and over time, with counsel, NOT in a silo. Here are some of the major signs: 1) You have to use ultimatums for change. 2) There is no respect of words, you, boundaries or commitments. 3) There is no ownership of mistakes, only excuses. 4) There is a total collapse of trust with no partnership in building trust. 5) Relationally you are plateaued for months upon months with defensiveness. 6) Ultimately emotionally immature people lack the ability to, handle their emotions and feelings (both suppress or lash out), empathy. 
  • A spiritually complacent man: This is probably the one i would drill the most … this is where they all stem from, because those are all the outpouring of heart, where our relationship with Jesus and our sanctification should be MOST CLEAR and impactful in our life. Ladies, if there is one thing I want you to take from this episode.. It’s this..If it’s unclear where he is spiritually, meaning, his walk with Christ is grey, what he is learning from God, how He is growing in the Lord.. is quiet…AKA - he never initiates any spiritual conversation or more importantly cannot or just skips over it and you have to initiate, ask him to go to church, ask him to lead you spiritually, beg him to be spiritually mature…these are major indicators that spiritually this is not equally yoked..spiritually, this is not a partner who will amplify your mission but they will DRAG it.  To hammer this one home, spiritually speaking we MUST marry true MEN of God, because this is supposed to be the man you respect and submit to.. However, we so often confuse the biblical model of headship as wives.. Submit to your husbands.. Period… good wives submit to husbands regardless of their character.. That is so far wrong on so many levels and opens up so much potential for abuse.. But we get that wrong because we fail to define headship for the men. The biblical model of headship and wives submitting only has one use case where it works.. And we have it modeled for us perfectly.. Where? In Jesus story.. And Jesus loved you, and he loved me, the church.. So much so that he what? Died. That is the secret to headship, the only way a wife can biblically submit to her husband.. If he what? Dies to himself for behalf.. So women listening.. If your man is a man who is prideful, who does not heed counsel, who is arrogant, who is self-righteous, who makes it about himself, and his pain, most importantly, if he has shown you that he is not willing to die to self for you? Walk away. 

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Kait Warman

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Kait Warman is a best-selling author, speaker, popular relationship coach, and the founder of Heart of Dating. She helps thousands of men and women on their journeys through the conversations on the Heart of Dating Podcast, which launched in 2018. 

Through her ministry, Kait’s mission is to empower both men and women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, thrive with purpose, and discover clarity and vision in their life and relationships. In her new book, Thank You for Rejecting Me: Transform Pain into Purpose and Learn to Fight for Yourself, Kait vulnerably shares how she grew through her deepest, darkest rejections and offers readers the tools to heal from the past, take back their power, and walk in strength, victory, and love into their future. Kait currently lives in the Los Angeles area and loves sunshine, walks, Jesus, and lip syncing to Celine Dion.

JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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