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The Ultimate Sex Talk Q&A


Dr. Juli Slattery

Dr. Juli Slattery joins Kait to talk through some of the most burning sex questions such as lust, embracing sexuality, purity culture, intimacy, and masturbation.

Why is it okay to be turned on/horny on your wedding night, but before that it is considered lust?

  • It’s possible to be married and lust. 
  • Lust is the attitude of “I must have this, I deserve this” and the attitude of taking. 
  • You can experience sexual drive and desire, but be submitting those to the Lord and that is not lust.

When does embracing my sexuality and sexual desire cross the line into sinfulness or lust, as a single person specifically?

  • Examine your heart. Is it a must have? 
  • We have a choice on what we meditate on. 
  • We don’t control the thoughts that come into our mind but we do control what we do with them.

How do we begin to feel comfortable with our sexual desire and what is normal in this process?

  • Your sexuality is God’s way of reminding you, you weren’t meant to do life alone. It’s about a lot more than having sex with somebody.
  • Your sexuailty is everything that encompasses that drive in you that draws you to people, that helps you appreciate them, that makes you want to share at a level that’s very vulnerable. 

What, as a single person, do I do with those hormones, those urges when they come?

  • You feel the discomfort. It’s a longing and an urge, it’s not a need. This will pass.
  • We can feed that urge by thinking about it more. It’s important to be aware of what we’re watching, reading, etc. to make sure we’re not feeding the urge. 
  • When you feel this need to have sex. You don’t actually need sex, you’re longing for intimacy, and you’re lonely. 
  • We end up using sex or pornograhy for comfort. 
  • We link sex with a legitimate need and then think sex is the need. 
  • If self control is your only strategy against sexual temptation that is either going to fail you or you’re going to shut down your sexuality, which isn’t a good thing. 
  • Ask the Lord to begin showing you where you need healing, and where you have legitamate needs in your life that aren’t being met and you’re using sex as a way to try to scrach that itch. 
  • We all have lies we begin to believe about sex. 
  • Shame is the emotion that comes out of believing lies. 

How can we deconstruct some of those damaging purity culture messaging and how do we navigate through that now when some of that messaging is still happening?

  • There were some really good things in the purity message and people who are deconstructing are throwing it all out. 
  • The purity culture didn’t talk about some of the most important topics. 
  • The most harmful thing that came from the purity culture movement was that it equated your sexual purity with the gospel. That’s not consistent with what the Bible says. 
  • What did the purity culture get right and where have we really complicated this topic? 

How do people start practicing embracing their sexual desire and drive in a healthy way and take that out there into meeting someone of the oposite sex?

  • Flirting is connecting with someone and showing them, that they’re seen, heard, and that you’re interested in them in a curious way. 
  • Some people are afraid of sexualizing a relationship. 
  • What is flirting to you? It isn’t a one size fits all. Flirting doesn’t have to automatically have a sexual connotation. 

How can you be intimate without just being physical with someone you’re dating?

  • Intimacy has so many different categories. 
  • It’s a problem that we only define intimacy as sexual in today’s world. 
  • Intimacy and closeness doesn’t always mean sexual. 
  • Physical intimacy is supposed to be an expression of the growing intimacy in other areas like spiritually, emotional, trust, commitment level. 

What would be your suggestion for handling the building sexual tension between you and someone you are getting to know and growing to love?

  • What is sexual activity? Anything that is purposely stimulating us sexually and leading towards sex. 
  • There are ways to be romantic and connect without it being sexual. 
  • Wisdom and discernment. 
  • Physical intimacy should be consistent with other levels of intimacy and commitment level.


  • The Bible doesn’t mention masturbation at all. There are other things explictly stated however, masterbation isn’t. 
  • We need to be very careful not to pile on shame to singles who are struggling with this. 
  • When something isn’t specifically addressed in scripture we want to use principles of wisdom to navigate it. 
  • If masturbation is obsessive for you then it is more than likely a symptom not the problem. 
  • One of the negatives of masturbation, particularly if it is habitual, is that it is training your body to only respond to your touch. So when people get married they have trouble responding to their spouse’s touch.

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Dr. Juli Slattery

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Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and the president/co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, a ministry devoted to reclaiming God’s design for sexuality. She is the author of ten books and host of the weekly podcast “Java with Juli.” Juli and her husband Mike are the parents of 3 sons; they live in Akron, Ohio.

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