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Mini Man-sode 37: She's Just Not That Into You


JJ Tomlin

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On today’s men’s minisode JJ unpacks a story as old as time, she’s just not that into you, what now? 


What’s up guys?! We’re here with our LAST men’s minisode of our red flags season! You may have seen the title and had flashbacks to the early 2000s movie, He’s Just Not That Into You. Good hahaha. We have our own twist today on that, She’s Just Not That Into You! This episode is for a GUY who’s in a situation where she’s just not that into you. Guess what? We’re here for you! We’ve ALL been in this situation before, let’s talk about it! 

Men Are Built to Pursue

Men are built to pursue, that’s how God made you! Just like in sales though, you’re going to get some soft no’s, some hard no’s and some unwritten no’s. We have to discern and see if this is something you should follow up on or not. 

In your masculine energy, you’re built to be proactive, make the first move, risk first, and be vulnerable first. You’re wired to chase, to initiate, and we see this reflected biblically in the system of marriage. Men choose and pursue the bride. We see this all the way back in Genesis, woman is derived from man, man seeks after the woman. 

Are there exceptions? Sure, if you want to break into a man’s house and creepily wake him up (shout out to our girl Ruth). A more modern version of this is dropping the hanky! This is okay! We don’t see this as the woman pursuing the man. 

What is the opposite of this pursuit? What are we doing when we’re acting out of flesh and falling out of that design? The achilles heel of the masculine is Genesis 3:16, Adam WATCHED, he was PASSIVE, he didn’t ACT! 

Story Time

This is the one story we’ve heard countless times in christian dating. 

She was not interested in him. 

He was interested in her. 

He waited, and waited and waited. 

She noticed him. 

He asks her out for the third or sixth time. 

She responded, and they started their love story. 

So, we’re not talking to the girl here, we’re talking to the guy in this story. The guy who has been WAITING. If you’re waiting, you’re pursuing, we’re talking to you. This looks so different for everyone, maybe you matched on hinge last week, maybe you’ve been friends with her for three years and you’re in small group together, maybe she’s a friend from a long time ago and you randomly started DMing her on Instagram, there are so many different scenarios here. 

The one we’ll start with is, she’s just not that into you, and you’re friends!

She’s not showing interest, she’s not sending friends your way to see if you’re interested. You’re just two people coexisting in the same community group, serving in the same ministries, seeing each other in kids ministry or at a friends birthday party AKA you’re legit JUST FRIENDS. But, you’re interested in maybe being more than friends, but you’re not really sure. 

Your top priority here is to continue to build genuine friendship whenever possible. Do it in a group setting, when you’re serving alongside each other with NO ULTERIOR motive. Find and talk about things you have in common, tease her a little, compliment her on something she said that was insightful. Then, the MOMENT you find yourself walking the tension between friendship and developing a CRUSH you have to ask yourself, do you find yourself so distracted that she’s an idol, a constant source of distraction, validation, daydreaming, or insta stalking…It’s time to ASK HER OUT! 

She is SOMEWHAT interested in you.

This is probably the most confusing thing we can say. Trying to figure out if her 1.2 seconds of eye contact was flirty eye contact or not might be the MOST impossible thing to figure out. If you don’t really know then make the assumption that she’s just not that into you. If she was, she would’ve made it perfectly clear. Guys, pro tip here… at HOD we call this a friendationship. This is where one or both parties have romantic feelings for the other. We’ve all had these. However the pro tip is that it’s on the GUY to give clarity and figure it out. 

She's SUPPOSED to be interested in you, but she's not.

This means you’ve gone out on dates, maybe you matched on hinge a three weeks ago, you’ve been messaging, you’ve gone on a date or two, and it’s gone from a lot of emoji’s, lots of laughs, long paragraphs, voice memos, and instant replies to waiting three hours for a response, the time frame gets longer, she’s tired, she’s busy. This has happened to all of us men. If she’s supposed to be interested in you, and you’ve made it to this talking phase, you’ve gone on dates, there’s supposed to be interest, and she’s not…We’d say, you’ve been doing all the things and it’s just not there, she’s not biting. At this point, it’s time to pack it up and stop trying. You have to know when it’s time to move on because she’s just not interested. THIS IS OKAY! 

If you find yourself trying to prove yourself to her, that’s NOT it! There’s a difference because when you’re walking with God, you don’t have to prove anything. You don’t need the validation. You don’t need them to reciprocate. You can pursue without fear because that rejection or acceptance does NOT make or break you. You identity rests in something else. 

At the end of the day you do know that it takes two to tango. You want to enter into a relationship with someone who wants to enter into a relationship with you, not somebody who you had to convince. 

Is it a red flag or a deal breaker if she’s just not that into you?

It just depends. The common denominator in all of these situations is that the guy chose even when she was unsure. It may be an orange flag if she hasn’t chosen you or said yes or is excited, you should note that for evaluation. When it becomes a deal breaker is when it’s been three or five dates, you’ve gotten to know each other, and she’s just not that into you. You know it, she’s not curious about you, she doesn’t reciprocate at all, she doesn’t have any excitement, you feel like you have to force her to go out with you, that’s a deal breaker. It’s time to pack your bags and walk away. Leave her better than you found her, it’s not personal, know when it’s time to talk away. 

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JJ Tomlin

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JJ Tomlin is a missionary kid born in Belgium, originally from Tennessee, and currently residing in the OC. He currently works in Gaming/E-Commerce, enjoys watching his Tennessee Titans on Sundays with his Goldendoodle Teddy and loves working with Christian men to raise the bar in singleness and dating.

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