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HOD SELECT: Combatting Loneliness and Feeling Worn Out in Singleness

with

Carrie Lloyd

Are you struggling with feeling lonely during this season of quarantine?

Today we wanted to do an episode on singleness and thriving in it, as well as how to combat loneliness.

Kait brought on a phenomenal woman is is doing all of these things as a 38 year old single woman…the lovely Carrie Lloyd! Carrie Lloyd is an author, speaker, pastor at Bethel Church, and a coach. She originally worked in film and TV advertising in the UK and then went on to become a journalist for British national magazines where she found herself writing about love and relationships. Now she pastors people of all ages, guiding them through marriage, singleness, writing and destiny dreaming in northern California!She is also a podcast host of the The Carrie On Podcast…’which can be found on iTunes and Podbean. Her books on dating and sexual ethics: Prude and The Virgin Monologues are PHENOMENAL you guys should go check them out on amazon!

Today Kait and Carrie talk about all things singleness. Carrie shares her heart and journey of finding freedom and HOPE in her singleness life, as well as how she has learned to be 39 and single and still love the journey. She is living a life of vibrancy and fullness, and has found ways to truly combat things like comparison and loneliness.

How it is for you being a single 39 year old woman?

  • It is important to be honest about how you are feeling.
  • Carrie admits that she felt afraid to admit she wanted HOPE in this certain area, so she filled her life with THINGS.
  • In the past she didn’t really allow the Lord to speak into any area of her singleness.
  • Carrie says that actually feeling some of the pain will help bring WISDOM into your life.

How do you currently combat COMPARISON as a single in this season?

  • Comparison is clearly very toxic, we all know this, but as a single who is getting older it can become harder and harder to combat.
  • There is a perspective change that comes when you realize you are genuinely HAPPY for all your friends and their husbands, but that you DON’T want to marry any of those men- they have a different makeup, and different personalities.
  • Remind yourself to have FRIENDS around you that SEE you for exactly who you are. That want for you the things that you want. That don’t wish you were in a different season.”
  • Have DREAMS that are beyond just getting married and having children. Dream BEYOND just having a family!
  • Carrie encourages us to be a BIG dreamer outside of the relationship, otherwise you get yourself into a small bracket.
  • Carrie encourages us that whatever you think you are missing, work on exercising the MUSCLES of the things you believe you are called to. If you feel you are called to motherhood, practice mothering a younger person, or becoming a spiritual mentor.
  • We HAVE to be careful to not just sit and WAIT… or else that become codependency.

How can we be more involved with MARRIED people as singles?

  • Carrie says to ask marrieds with a lightness. Ask if you can be more involved in their life.
  • There is something SO important with having married couples around because they understand COVENANT and we can learn so much from them.
  • Having married people in your life can also help you to discern about people you are CURRENTLY dating.
  • Carrie also mentions that there are some things that couples say that do NOT help us as singles… such as “when are you going to hurry up”, or “you will understand when you are married.”… but those things are NOT helpful.
  • Carrie recently did a SINGLE MANIFESTO on one of her podcasts that was SO powerful- talking about what she vows to do in marriage for the sake of singles! GO LISTEN to her episode called A Single Focus.
  • Carrie does say, “We have to be SO careful to not make marriage an IDOL.” Keep dreaming and living with a vulnerable risk of truly trying out your dreams.

How, in your opinion, can we combat LONELINESS as singles?

  • Have friends that you are NOT trying to impress in your life. It’s important to have friends that will challenge you. Have friends who truly CARE about you.
  • LOVE on other people. CARE on other people to combat loneliness.
  • Sometimes we don’t actually ask ourselves “If I am feeling lonely, WHAT can I do about this?” We have power.
  • Do things that make you come ALIVE! Don’t binge on Netflix, do things that truly inspire you and bring you joy.
  • It’s not just the journey of finding people to fill in the time, it is also about having time to have CONSTANT conversation with the Lord.
  • Undivided Devotion: does not look like filling in the spots with my own loneliness, it rather means that with the compassion I so long to have while I am lonely I find space to give that to OTHER people.There is always someone more lonely than you. GO FIND THEM!

How about solitude?

  • If you are not okay with yourself ALONE, how will you be okay with yourself with someone else?
  • If you find yourself not being able to be alone, we urge you to start pressing into times of solitude.
  • What are you really like when it is just YOU and God?
  • What about having a DATE with God and bringing Him into that time with you?
  • In singleness we have the opportunity to stretch muscles that we would not typically stretch when you are WITH someone. You don’t get to hide behind someone. You actually should be looking at and confronting things in your life.
  • Consider adding a SABBATH into your rhythm.
  • Carrie reveals that she has reverted to a LANDLINE telephone.. NO more cell phone! SAY WHAT….!

What are some self care practices that you implement in your life?

  • A huge element of SELF LOVE is actually practicing self care.
  • Some practical things: Eating well, eating healthy, massages
  • Self LOVE is not even as much what we do for ourselves but it also actually LEARNING how we were wired and WHY we do what we do.
  • Carrie says “I am learning an awful lot of myself and HOW the Lord has wired me”.
  • Self love is one of the most SELFLESS things you can do because you develop TRUST for yourselves because you don’t question your motives.
  • Self care is also NOT actually making assumptions about other people.
  • Some of self care is knowing who you are in the BASIS of other people.

What is your final nugget of dating advice?

  • NEVER ASSUME.
  • Stop creating stories and assumptions. Don’t leave room for ambiguity.

Other Resources

Podcast: Carrie On

Books HERE and HERE

Carrie Lloyd Instagram

Carrie Lloyd Website

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