Now for today’s episode we brought on Kait's friends Kris Wolfe and Kristen Dalton Wolfe. Their conversation revolved around importance of PURSUIT and ROMANCE in relationship… because yall these two things are IMPORTANT!
You might actually remember Kris from our previous Me,Too and Masculinity episodes. He inspires other men to be their BEST selves. He has written some amazing books and runs an online ministry called Good Guy Swag.
Now his lovely wife Kristen Dalton Wolfe is a sparkly, joy-filled, encouraging woman. She is a former Miss USA who helps women step into the radiance of their true identity. Kristen has used her passion for women coupled with her degree in Psychology to launch SheisMore.com, a faith based blog.
She is ALSO an author of multiple books including her LATEST book, The Sparkle Effect!
Together Kris and Kristen run men and women’s ministries, retreats and conferences… they are POWERFUL and WISE so to have them on today was an absolute TREAT.
To start the conversation Kristen talks first and foremost about her amazing new book “the Sparkle Effect”, and what it really means to be a woman who SPARKLES in all areas of life. Kristen felt as though through her transformation in life that God “crowned” her, and set her free from things like depression and anxiety and insecurity and jealousy and comparison. It was her deepest desire to share those learnings with others which.
How and WHY should we truly be GIVING IT ALL in terms of pursuit?
- "Pursuit can be wrapped in a girl understanding her worth and a guy recognizing that worth. That is what pursuit is all about.”
- In many ways people have lost HOPE, so it is a form of self protection to not pursue. People end up having one foot in and one foot out.
- We have fallen into the “consumer mentality” in many ways in dating and therefore we don’t fully PURSUE.
- We can often fall into being hyper critical of others' flaws and hence give up too quickly in the pursuit.
- RELATIONSHIP is a REFINING PROCESS, we will never arrive. We will constantly be learning and growing.
- Kris says, “You can’t refine and you can’t grow if you’re playing it safe. You need resistance in your life in order to GROW."
Kristen I heard in fact that you actually turned Kris down a few times even didn’t you? Would you guys be able to share with us a touch about your story?
- Kristen in many ways had been through some public breakups and did not really want to go through that again. So in some ways she started being more cognizant and in her words she, “watched him like a hawk.”, as a form of caution for a woman who “loves falling in love”.
- “It is important to date from a place of abundance. Not of desperation or lack.”
- Kris was persistent and continued to pursue her.
- Kristen also admits that she likes “CLARITY”. Both are not in love with saying, “do you want to hangout?”.
- NOTE TO SELF: YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SLIDE INTO DM’S. You can use Social Media!
- There is power in the PHONE CALL. We know it sounds scary, but there is so much power in it.
- Another note to self that Kris brings up is that even if you have bad texting game, IT’S OKAY PEOPLE. You can call! Kris had awful texting game but he knew he could contribute in other ways like via phone calls.
Why is ROMANCE and PURSUIT still so important?
- Kristen says, “God unfolds our love story and writes it for our personality types. What is important to us and for our hearts."
- We also talk about how it is OKAY to want to be romanced.
- Something that brings the other person joy also will end up bringing YOU joy.
- Romance in one way is important in dating as sex is important in marriage. It offers a CONNECTION place with you and the person you are dating.
- The same thing that happens in a dating relationship is the same thing that will happen in your married life too. So if you are not being romantic of going on dates right now, it won’t happen suddenly when you get married.
- Ultimately ROMANCE is just being THOUGHTFUL and noticing what is important to someone’s heart and wanting to speak to that.
Is there REALLY such thing as keeping it cool? What about the guys afraid of rejection or the initial pursuit?
- Start small and start getting used to talking of people of the opposite sex. Strike up a conversation in line at Starbucks. Start making the effort to talk to the opposite gender. Learn how to communicate with people on a non romantic basis FIRST.
- Once you become more comfortable in those baby steps you will be ready for BIGGER steps.
- We need to separate our success from the rejection. We need to get back up and do it again.
- If you notice that rejection is hitting your self worth too much WHERE are you getting your self worth from? It should not be from whether someone says yes or no too much. When we are too hit by rejection we might be looking for get validation from the wrong things.
- Rejection is REDIRECTION.
You guys published the lists: “The Husband List” and “The Wife List”. Would you be able to share a few TOP qualities from each of your lists?
- Kait says that it is vital to have a list of CHARACTER qualities and know what you are looking for. Don’t be so hung up on every small detail, but know your top character traits.
- Kristen says, “The purpose of having a list is having a FILTER for you and boundaries for yourself.”
- Kristen Shares 3:
- Holding himself accountable to GOD’s standards and NOT His own.
- Consistent CHARACTER across time. How is he treating other people? The people on the road? The cashier at Starbucks? Eat?
- Doesn’t sin in his anger. It is one thing to get angry and another to get physical and act reactionary.
- Kris Shares a few as well:
- Shares your belief. Both spiritual and beyond that, including common goals and shared mission.
- She loves you unconditionally. This does not mean the person has a FREE pass, but rather it is someone who embraces you with your past and all.
What is your final nugget of dating advice?
- Kristen: Enjoy the process & HAVE FUN!
- Kris: Embrace your story and what god has DONE through your story.
Get Kristen’s NEW book HERE
Get Kris's book 10 Ways to Win a Girls Heart HERE
Find Kristen on Instagram HERE
Find Kris on Instagram HERE
Reference book: Divine Sex by Jonathan Grant