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The Truth About Sex on your Wedding Night


Nika and Emeka

Nika and Emeka join Kait and JJ as they talk through the truth of your wedding night, how to expect the unexpected and let the Holy Spirit guide you. 

Let’s start by setting the stage. What were your expectations about your sex on your wedding night?

  • Nika had a lot of abuse in her past that made her feel very scared, skiddish and sceptical of uncondtional, healthy love. 
  • Emeka set a boundary for them, to make Nika feel safe, that they would not be alone together. There would always be someone else there. 
  • After Nika’s first major PTSD moment, Emeka told Nika that if for the rest of their life all they could do was hold hands, then he would choose her over and over again. That set the tone for Nika’s expectations going into the honeymoon because if even being touched on the ankle could trigger all of that for her she was so fearful of what she was bringing into the honeymoon space. 
  • Emeka had a moment with the Lord where he had to choose life or death with the Lord. 
  • Going into the wedding night Emeka was expecting the unexpected, but was really just waiting on the next instruction from the Lord. 
  • Emeka didn’t expect to have sex on the wedding night. He thought maybe they would take a bath together. 

What actually happened on your wedding night? Was it mind blowing, crazy, hot sex?

  • At the end of the wedding Nika tried to pick a fight with Emeka because she wanted to prolong the honeymoon situation as long as she could. 
  • Nika was so nervous, not feeling sexy but had a whole outfit planned and then walked out to Emeka sitting there so calm. 
  • They had a picnic on the bed because Nika said she was hungry. 
  • Nika got under the covers on the far side of the bed and Emeka said, let’s just talk. 
  • Over hours they inched near each other and the Lord had healed so much in Nika that she really did want to try to be fully intimate with Emeka and the whole time Emeka never pressured her but was a complete gentlemen. 
  • It was so awkward, and physically hurt Nika. She felt so so safe though.
  • Nakedness is not the same as vulnerability. - Nika 
  • After the amazingness of the wedding and all the people Emeka really just wanted to have an awesome conversation with his best friend. 

Let’s talk about the reality of ANXIETY and FEAR on your wedding night… and afterwards in sex.

  • Society has placed expectations in our mind about fairtale endings and what everything should look like and that’s simply not reality. 
  • Pornography also has played a huge role in this in Christian communities in painting pictures of expectations that aren’t reality. 
  • We’re wired to be pursued. 

Let’s talk about the PTSD that can come up for someone who have a past of abuse. Because of various narratives in the church-Women often feel they have to sit through sexual experiences that they are NOT ready for and don’t want to be in… BUT because in some church cultures there is a stigma in the church in ways that a woman should just “please their husband” they feel like they NEED to have sex with their husbands.

  • When there is a history of abuse, you’re usually used to shutting your mouth and not using your voice. When you’re in a healthy marriage you then have to retrain your brain to open up your mouth and say what needs to be said. 
  • Continue having conversations. 
  • No expectation except leaning on the Holy Spirit and letting him guide.

What would you say to people who may be feeling nervous about how long it may take to enjoy sex and connection with their spouse? Or maybe it’s genuinely painful, or past trauma coming up.

It’s a journey. You’re going to be different over time.
You have to give you and your partner to let sanctification to do it’s thing.
You have to continue to go back to the source.
If we focused more on learning how to laugh in the bedroom instead of being sexy then it would be more fun.

What would you tell yourself NOW about sex if you could go back in time BEFORE you got married?

  • He means it when he says he’s not going anywhere. - Nika 
  • Pouring into someone vs. expecting something from someone. - Emeka 
  • That thread you’re holding onto, don’t let it go. - Emeka 

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Nika and Emeka

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Nika and Emeka met in NYC, where she worked as a luxury fashion merchandiser and he owned and managed Michelin level restaurants. They moved to The Philippines shortly after getting married to work with and empower women and men who had been rescued from sex slavery. After the birth of their daughter, they launched a family social media brand where they tell authentic, relatable, and inspiring stories about marriage and parenthood while sharing what they love with their audience.

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