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HOD SELECT: Navigating the 5 Love Languages


Dr.Gary Chapman

We're looking back on some of our favorite episodes through our HOD select series! Today we look back on an episode with the amazing, one and only... Dr. Gary Chapman!

Dr. Gary Chapman is an author, speaker, pastor, and counselor! He has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships. Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor and director of marriage seminars. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over thirteen million copies and has been on the New York Times best-sellers list continuously since 2007. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life family counseling for more than 30 years, and his nationally-syndicated radio programs air nationally on Moody Radio Network and over 400 affiliate stations.

On today’s HOD Select episode, Dr.Chapman goes over the 5 love languages and how to navigate them: Touch, Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Words of Affirmation! Kait and Dr. Chapman discuss why understanding them is vital in a relationship and how we can develop healthier communication skills by using them!

Could you share a little bit about your work and overview of the 5 love languages?

  • 5 ways to express love on an emotional love so that your meeting that deep emotional need that we all have to feel love.
  • What makes one person feel loved doesn’t necessarily make the other person feel love.
  • The five love languages are: 
  • Word of Affirmation– Using words to affirm the other person
  • Acts of Service– Doing something for the other person, anything that may be helpful for them.
  • Gifts– Universal to language as an expression of love
  • Quality Time– Giving them your undivided attention
  • Physical Touch-
  • Everyone has a primary love language, one will speak more deeply than the others to each person. 

Is it true that you typically show others love with your own love language?

  • By nature you will speak love to another person in the way that you feel love.
  • It’s not necessarily ALWAYS the case, dependent on your upbringing. 
  • We often miss speaking in the other person’s love language by showing it in the way that we think they should feel loved.

How do you go about balancing each other’s love languages in a relationship, even if you’re not “good” on showing the other person’s language?

  • If you both understand the concept of different love languages, and you each share it with the other person, then they have the choice to value that. 
  • Some languages will be harder for someone to understand and give, but it’s not impossible. It’s up to both people in the relationship to value that the other person receives love in a given way and be intentional about giving it that way.
  • Take baby steps, it’s just like learning a new language, however if the other person isn’t willing to learn your language, that’s a red flag.
  • If they’re not willing to learn your love language when you’re dating, they’re not going to learn it when you’re married. 
  • Manage your expectations, and recognize the other person may be in the process of learning your language.

There’s a stigma that sharing your love language needs comes across as needy. Is that true?

  • At the core.. We’re ALL needy! Our deepest emotional need is to feel loved!
  • No language communicates that there’s something weak about the other person. 
  • There’s a tendency to put yourself down because you have a particular love language, but be kind to yourself and understand the concept!
  • We’re the hands and feet of God, so if someone does receive love in a particular way, especially in a dating relationship, we should learn to give it to them in that way!

Is it common, and do you ever see it happen that your primary love language will shift in different seasons of life?

  • For the most part, like many personality traits, they tend to stay with us for a lifetime.
  • Yes, during certain seasons, there may be times when another love language may mean more than another. 
  • It’s possible to misdiagnose your primary language, so sometimes it just takes time to really be aware of yourself to find it.

For single people who have a primary language of physical touch or quality time…. How do we do this, especially through this time of COVID?

  • It may not be the easiest to do but there are ways to be intentional and get around these barriers.
  • Gary talked about his version of the book he wrote for military couples in which he talked a lot about long distance and being separated. 
  • In today’s world, it’s easier to speak a lot of these languages with today’s technology.

Is there a 6th love language you thought about while creating this concept?

  • The 6th love language is unofficially chocolate.
  • Kait and Gary discuss how showing up for the other person is really just at the core of love in all languages. 
  • They also discuss how women love when men plan something, while not an official love language this falls under a dialect of “Acts of service”

Why is understanding languages so important?

  • There are two stages of love, and it’s important to know that the “high” of a relationship and those romantic feelings don’t last much longer than 2 years.
  • Practicing showing these love languages to each other in a relationship won’t make you “miss the high” and helps make sure the other person feels loved.
  • Love is a choice, so being intentional is crucial in a healthy relationship.
  • This concept applies to all relationships, not just dating relationships and you can use this to help your relationship with your parents, your siblings, etc.
  • Understanding this, could be the first step in the healing process of broken relationships.

What is your final nugget of Dating Advice?

  • Walk in a relationship, don’t run in a relationship!
  • Give yourself time and enjoy the process.

Connect with Dr. Chapman!

Order “The 5 Love Languages” HERE

Follow @5lovelanguages on Instagram HERE

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